Tuesday, July 19, 2016

SPLINKERNEWSMAX RNC 2016! TUESDAY EDITION!

Welcome to the news blog that isn't afraid to say what others have said, after making sure no one got in trouble for saying it.  SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers.

The RNC stumbled, shouted and copied it's way through Day One of its attempt to get America to buy the bullshit "As Seen On TV."  Things did not get off to a good start. 

First, let's deal with the plagiarism.

We'll talk about the Melania hoopla later, but I really want to focus on what happened at the beginning of Day One.

"She stole everything from me! Well, almost everything ;)"
 Not now Caitlyn!  You'll get your chance!

Last week, we reported that Ivanka's Rabbi declined to speak at the Convention, saying only "God sees everything," when pressed by reporters.  But I assured our readers that Trump would have a back up rabbi ready.  In fact, you can ask a lot of people.  Many, many people remember me saying that. 

In fact, the Trump campaign did have a back up rabbi, and I said as much back in 2003, before everyone else was saying it.  Anyway, Rabbi Glatt gave a very nice invocation, and the six Jews that hidden in the audience were unharmed for the rest of the day, despite Guliani's excellent Mussolini stand up act toward the end of the evening. 

Later, however, rumor's began circulating about Rabbi Glatt's speech.  Several delegates became suspicious when the Rabbi started speaking in Hebrew.

"At first I thought he was summoning a demon," an unnamed delegate from North Dakota told no one who was listening. "I just figured his horns were under his magic hat, kinda like the Mormons, and that he was opening up a portal or something.  You know, so Trump could get here. But nothing happened right away, and I forgot about the whole thing."

"I only play a rabbi on TV"

"Something isn't kosher in Cleveland"

Others were not so sure.  A transcript of the incantation was obtained and delivered to SplinkerNewsMax.  Our investigative staff can now confirm that parts of Rabbi Glatt's prayer were remarkably similar to the passages in the Jewish Bible, and to portions of David Goldman's 2011 bar mitzvah.

Trump initially responded by Tweet: "Dems. are desperate. I've never read a Bible, I'm sure there's no Hebrew in it. Crooked Hillary strikes again. Sad!"

While David Goldman did not respond to our requests ("not to be seated next to the band"), we were able to confirm that many bibles do in fact contain Hebrew and that the rabbi's speech was remarkably similar to something called a psalm.

Campaign manager, Paul Manafort responded by doubling down and denying everything. Paul Manafort, shown here making a rare appearance at Trump Headquarters on casual Friday, insisted that the Jewish myth was started by Hillary Clinton. Manafort is running Trump's campaign, and is responsible for nothing, according to him.
Before joining the Trump Asylum, Manafort ran the campaign to elect a Putin puppet in the Ukraine, and successfully lobbied for serval shady dictators and criminals.  Fortunately, Trump has said time and time again that he will not be under the thumb of any special interests or lobbyists, so there is nothing to worry about here.


It never happened.


So that's all that happened in the first five minutes.  Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful afternoon.
Stay tuned!

Saturday, July 16, 2016

SPLINKERNEWSMAX: RNC CONVENTION 2016!!!

Welcome to the news blog that isn't afraid to say what others have said, after making sure no one got in trouble for saying it.  SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers.



The Trump campaign released it's list of speakers at this weeks Republican Convention, and it has already caused quite the stir.

As you may have heard Football great Tim Tebow, originally on the list, tweeted that he will not be attending. 

Not T-Bone! Tebow!

Yesterday afternoon, the righteous quarterback tweeted "While I believe the Republican Party is taking America in the right direction, I am uneasy about getting on my knees anywhere near Mr. Trump. 

Hashtag #MoveoverRubio

Tebow is not the only holy roller who has sent his regrets.  Ivanka Trump's Rabbi, said he will not be attending the convention.  Rabbi Whathisname, from Congregation Unpronounceable, told reporters that he will not be attending, after God revealed to him that his presence might be interpreted as having political overtones.  Trump responded by tweet, saying he was disappointed in the Rabbi's decision, but that "No one ever said Jews were stupid. Sad!

"I was told there'd by Lox"

These two surprise religious "no-shows" left the Trump camp scrambling for replacement speakers.  After consulting with his advisors, Mr. Trump grudgingly admitted that it was too late to father any more children, and his black friend was not returning his phone calls.

You blew it Darren! Next time pay your Sprint bill!

Sources unfamiliar with my name, however, recently confirmed that both Pikachu and Zapdos have been slated to appear at the convention. Critics argue that both speakers are about as real as Trump's tan.  Angry Black Man, the leader of the Ohio Chapter of #BlackLivesMatter condemned the last minute bait and switch at a news conference in Philadelphia, in front of the Rocky Balboa Memorial to Fallen Fighters.


Trumpy Poo, I choose you!
No Gays Makes Common Pence!

"This is nothing more than a racist - I mean blatant - attempt to lure unsuspecting college democrats into the voting booths, and another example of Trump's desire to be a master over anything, even if it's imaginary."

SplinkerMax will have more on the Republican Convention as soon as it develops into something funny. 

This just in: The photograph of Ivanka's Rabbi is actually a photograph of a different rabbi. We here at SplinkerNewsMax apologize for the error, and repeat that others may believe that all rabbis look alike, or are in fact the same person. People may be saying that but what do we know? 

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

GUN CONTROL TO MAJOR DUMB

Welcome to the news blog that isn't afraid to say what others have said, after making sure no one got in trouble for saying it.  SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers.








When I was a kid, I had a bb gun.  It was single shot, and you could load it with round bbs or a pellet.  My friends also had bb guns.  So, of course, we shot each other.  A lot.  When I didn't have the bb gun, I had a bow and arrow.  My cousin would go on my roof and I would try to shoot him.

That was a long time ago, and I've learned a lot since then.  Most importantly, the statute of limitations on assault crimes.  But I also learned this: A gun is like a hard-on.  You can walk around with it all you want, but sooner or later, you're gonna shoot.

Gun control is not an anti-amendment stance.  No more than a law prohibiting me from shouting "Nigger Kike Wop!" over and over in Starbucks, tramples on my first amendment right of free speech.
THIS IS DECAF!!

And let's face it, between you and me, we can probably remember three, maybe four amendments, tops.

So put away your Constitution for a minute and think.  Remember that BB gun I had?  If you don't, you should probably seek medical attention.  I mean, I just mentioned it a minute ago.  Well, I had to travel to New York State to buy that gun, because New Jersey had restrictions against pot smoking assholes shooting things in their backyard. I had to sneak into New York for a BB Gun!  Now, I can get a free AR-15 if I buy a used car from some fried butter dealership in Buttfuk, Wherever.

SNAPPLE FUN FACT!  IN THE TIME IT TOOK ME TO WRITE THIS BLOG, 2 PEOPLE DIED FROM GUN VIOLENCE IN AMERICA!  IF YOU WERE ONE OF THE TWO, YOU MISSED OUT ON A GREAT BLOG POST!

We need laws that make it difficult to buy rifles that can kill thirty or more people in one minute.  I know some will say "But Splinker, a terrorist could kill that many with a car!"  Maybe.  But can you imagine what his insurance rate would be?

And I'm not worried about the terrorist.  I worried about Mr. Bachner, my neighbor.  He keeps saying if my cat pees on his lawn one more time, he's going to 'fucking kill it, by God!'  I don't even own a cat! If Mr. Bachner has an AR-15, and his air conditioner goes on the fritz this summer, I'm screwed.

If you shoot Kitty, she's going right in the pet semetary!
To give you an idea on how screwed up this country is, Donald Trump.

No wait, that's another topic.  Donald Trump, the Republican nominee for President, went to visit the NRA today to ask about laws preventing people on the no-fly list from getting guns.  Now, let's not dwell on the details of any such law, or even if you think it's a good idea.  Let's focus on the fact that the presidential nominee did not go to Congress with his concern.  He went to the NRA, an organization that promises to fund your opponent if you say "ouch" after being shot.

The NRA!

Quick lesson:  Gun manufacturers give friggin millions to the NRA every year.  The NRA gives money to people who will make sure we never pass comprehensive gun control laws; people like John McCain and everyone else who is more concerned with winning elections than fighting for our right not to be gunned down while we're dancing, sucking dick, going to preschool or shouting at abortion clinics.  Senator McCain knows unrestricted access to semi-assault weapons is a bad idea. But he thinks standing up to the gun lobby is a worse idea.
Why didn't someone ban Palin!


Senator McCain takes lots of NRA money.
He is willing to let citizens die rather than NOT take NRA money.
Don't be like Senator McCain.
Fight for sensible gun control.







So go drop your congressperson a quick note.  Tell them to pass legislation curtailing ownership of semi-automatic, military style assault rifles, or get the fuck out of Dodge.   And please watch this blog for further rants - I mean updates.

Thank you.

THE PARTY OF LINCOLN SAYS "GUN CONTROL? HELL NO!"