Sunday, August 14, 2016


Welcome to the news blog that isn't afraid to say what others have said, after making sure no one got in trouble for saying it.  SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers.

Last night, after much internet searching and consulting with the Magic 8-Ball, I finally figured it all out. Women only SAY that a sense of humor is important.  But chuckle size doesn't matter.  Having come to terms with having no shot at romance, I turned to politics. And by politics I mean, "Why is he doing this?"

Grammar Uncertain. Ask Again Bigly.

Trump's behavior only seems insane if you are paying attention, or if you aren't insane. OR, if you think he is trying to be president.  But what if Trump's plan is something very different.  I mean, not Caitlyn Jenner different, but still pretty different.

Ivanna play hide the Visa!

Trump has a history of yammering about one thing, while snatching another.  Now, I don't have what you might call 'shitty Trump book smarts,' and I ain't no Ivy League Trump U. graduate, and I may not always remember my ATM pin code or my birthday (oops), but it doesn't take a genius to connect the orange dots.

According to a very informative, but not nearly as funny, article in Politico :

1. In 2006ish, he put up an 80 foot flagpole or something at his Mar-a-Largo estate.  He knew it violated the town ordinance, and knew it would result in publicity.  Mostly, because Palm Beach couldn't stand him.  Imagine that.  Anyway, when he started being fined, he went on the air calling the county unpatriotic, blah blah blah. He sued for a gazillion dollars. But what he really wanted, was buried in another part of his lawsuit: eliminating a requirement that all businesses have at least 50% of their business income from local residents.  Trump didn't give a shit about the size of his pole (for once).  He wanted that 50% requirement waived so he could more easily sell memberships.  Trump's pole eventually shrunk, but he hasn't given up on the his true goal - getting rid of that 50% rule.

2. Later, he sued the airport for being noisy.  He settled that.  In exchange for dropping the suit, the town allowed him to buy some land, that he turned into some shitty golf course (I don't play golf, so they all look shitty to me).  Anyone think he gave a Russian call girl's fart about the airport? 

Trump has probably sued Palm Beach a few more times - I drank way too much coffee to read the entire article - but his motive is always the same.  Sue for A, so you can get B.

And this isn't just shown in lawsuits.  He invited reporters to a big Mar Largo party, and left them standing outside, so that when his guests arrived they thought it was a Yuge media event. 

You get the idea.  Trump isn't crazy.  He's just not trying to be president.

Sanity, thy name is Trump!

  So what is Trump doing all this for?  Why has he called Obama the founder of ISIS, asked 2nd Amendment people to shoot Hillary or her SCOTUS picks, shown that he doesn't know what 'sarcastic' means, mocked Hillary for having the Orlando killer's father at her rally by seating a disgraced pedophile (allegedly, but, ya know), ex-congressman in the same seat at his rally, etc. etc.?

Oh yeah, and why has he threatened to stop fundraising for the Republican party; insisted that Russia will never invade Ukraine; spoken in tongues on several occasions; and had his surrogates insist we didn't invade Afghanistan until 2009? 

I'll tell you why.  The reason is, because --

Oops.  Also, he asked his advisors why we can't use nukes. Three times.  And he tried to make killing the estate tax, a victory for the common man (as long as you commonly die with assets exceeding 5 million). 

I'll tell you why!
Oh yeah!  I almost forgot his recent attacks on journalists and the media, pointing at them and calling them 'the lowest forms of life' at his rallies.  Requiring at least one female journalist to need secret service assistant just to leave his rally. 

The reason, my friends, is simple.

(and he bragged about the media not being able to understand what he's doing or saying.  don't forget that).

I remember!  Just let me finish this thought!

The reason is TV and money.  There.  I said it.

Trump doesn't want to win the election.  He doesn't want to destroy democracy and take a big, smelly dump in our apple pie.  He wants money.  He always wants money.  Money is how Trump keeps score.  Sure, retweets are nice.  But money is the only number that really matters. 

And he is getting tired of cheating, of pretending he is a billionaire.  Trump is the golfer who fudges his scorecard, but one day hopes to finish under par for real.

What does this have to do with TV and money?  Simple.  When he loses, and loses bigly, he's going to do what all Palin impaired politicians do.  He's going to turn his charade into cash. 
He'll probably have his own cable network or station.

13 million people voted for him.  If he can convert 10-20% of those people to fans, he's looking at about 700 million in cha-ching, easy.  When Donald trump jacks it these days, he's not hovering over his sleeping wife, as so many of us would do.  He's closing his eyes and thinking of this guy:

Howard Stern.  The man who makes hundreds of millions by speaking his mind and making sure his mind is always outrageous.  This is Trump's mentor and his game plan. 

Trump is probably worth well under a billion.  That's why Hillary could release transcripts of her speeches to Wall Street, the porno movie she did in college ("Pay & Lay"), and the photo journal of her artic seal safari, and Trump would still refuse to release his tax returns. If he holds on to his core voter base, that's going to change.  So what does Trump do?  He keeps feeding them fresh meat.  He doesn't care that by doing so, the majority of the country is going to say no at the ballot.  He just wants to keep as many of those 13 million happy.  He wants to keep his 'audience,' and he wants to keep them bigly.

And you don't keep people who cheer when you call Mexicans rapists and scream about walls, interested by talking policy.  You keep them interested by talking Trump. 

Trump was grown in a petri dish in the middle of a Roger Ailes, Howard Stern, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly circle jerk.  And what they have given him is far more valuable than the cash he sucked out of his biological KKK father (allegedly, but you know). 

So that's the story of today's Trump.  And I'm sticking to it. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2016


Are you a writer?  Are you a good writer? Are you a writer who writes flash fiction?  Do you want to make money doing it?   Then ignore that last question, and come play on the original Friday Flash Fiction competition!

Every week we'll have a new contest.  Everyone is given a word prompt on Tuesday, or Wednesday if I overslept, and they have until Friday to submit a 1,000 word or less piece of flash.  We vote over the weekend, and the winner gets bragging rights! Side bets are both illegal and encouraged. 

"No, I'll TELL you a story!"

"What's the catch," you ask?  Like I'm going to tell you.  Just click on the link below, sign up here:  RIGHT HERE!

Writing flash is fun, and a guaranteed way to overcome writer's block, start best selling novels, lose weight, and influence people! 

We'll start as soon as we have, let's say, seven people.  Unless we decide to start with less.  But hurry, this contest is limited to an unspecified number of people. 

Good luck!

Remember, Keep it short!

Saturday, August 6, 2016


Welcome to the news blog that isn't afraid to say what others have said, after making sure no one got in trouble for saying it.  SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers.

Donald Trump had a fantastic week last week.  Really, really great.  They are the only kinds of weeks he has. Incredible, really.  Unbelievable (literally).

Not many of you know this, but Trump did a bunch of stupid stuff, probably as we at SplinkerNewsMax are reporting this story.  But the stupid stuff we want to talk about today is pornography.  Now, no one likes pornography more than me.  Just take a look at that sock puppet.  That ain't no hand in there!  But when Slovakian immigrants, come into our country and illegally engage in  pornographic shoots, taking money away from hard working American fluffers and tastefully collared lesbians, someone has to say something.

"A girl's gotta eat! But if you want to watch, it'll cost you extra!

But tonight, we're not going to discuss the fact that Donald probably married an illegal immigrant, who may have her citizenship revoked at any second.  (At least, this is what a lot of people are saying, what do I know).  Tonight, we're going to discuss First Lady Standards.

Let's start with a little perspective.  Our current first lady, Michelle Secret Muslim Obama, had graduated from Harvard Law and was working in a Chicago law firm, by the time she was 25.  Prior to that, when she was an undergraduate at Princeton (back when black Princeton chicks were a dime a dozen, no doubt), she was involved with the Carl A. Fields Center, an academic and cultural group that supported minority students, running their day care center, which also included after school tutoring (Wikipedia).  

But what she is most remembered for, is her blatant and perverse sexual nature which manifested itself in sleeveless dresses, to the horror of a nation.


Before Michelle, there was Laura Bush.  Sure, she killed a guy before she was twenty, but by twenty-five Mrs. Bush was pursuing a career teaching 2nd Grade.  Good for her!

"Later, I taught your president how to read!"

Before Laura, there was future President Hillary Clinton.  By the time she was twenty-five, Hillary had already had three people killed!  And yet she still found time to graduate from Yale Law School, and serve as a congressional legal counsel a year later! 

"My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton. See? I can tell the truth!"

To sum up, the last three first ladies were two lawyers and a teacher.  I can't remember who was president before Clinton, but I'm sure that first lady was doing something perfectly respectable at the age of twenty-five.

Now, in his race against rampant syphilis, Donald Trump is trying to get elected to the White House.  Will he build a wall or just color with crayons?  Will he deport everyone who isn't him, or will he emigrate to Russia and play hide the football with Putin?  Who knows!? 

But if he were to get elected, we should all remember what the future first lady was doing when SHE was twenty-five:

Her hands were bigger than Donald's!
When she was twenty-five, Melania Hump was doing pornography for 'Pepee Le Pew,' a French Men's magazine.  She is the one on the right. Obviously, she's had plastic surgery on her face and, I hope, on those birth defects that made her nipples all blurry. Now, I'm not saying she was a whore or a prostitute, although I think some people are saying that.  I mean, I've heard some very smart people say that.  And I don't think she should feel ashamed because she posed for filthy pictures in exchange money. Maybe she should be ashamed for posing as Threat Level Orange's wife in exchange for money, but that's the subject of another article. 

I do believe, however, that if you are going to make your money doing pornographic shoots (and in 1995, this shit was pure jack off material), you should go in, or go down or whatever, with the understanding that it is going to kill your chances of being President or First Lady of the United States! 

Do you disagree?  What if I told you the other woman in this picture is wearing a Donald-sized strap-on?  Would that change your mind?  I mean, I know this isn't quite as bad as the sleeveless Michelle scandal, but at what point do we say, "Enough!"? 

God Almighty! It's like fuckin Soddom and Gemorrah here!