Monday, October 6, 2014

KATHY

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Secret Service Chief Quits Among Charges of Racial Profiling.

SPLINKERNEWSMAX

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Earlier this week, Secret Service Head Honcho (SSHH), Julia Pierson, denied any truth to the rumors that her department was engaging in racial profiling.

Artist's rendition.
Ms Pierson admitted that her agency had engaged in a pattern of stalking, tailing, and constantly placing themselves in a position from which they could continually monitor President Obama's every move, but vehemently denied they had done so solely because President Obama is black.

"He's the president of the United States, for God's sake!  It's our job!"

Nevertheless, reports of racial profiling continued to surface, some claiming secret service agents also kept close tabs on Michele Obama, while completely ignoring other threats, such as white gunmen and Mitch McConnel.

"Every night I ask myself, 'Hey, where did the President go?"

Today Ms. Pierson announced her resignation on the White House Lawn.  "Recently, the country has become obsessed with my agency doing it's job, and I cannot, and will not, work under such conditions."

Ms. Pierson went on to list all of the Secret Service's recent accomplishments, pointing out that no one had actually killed the president during her entire time of employment.  "That's pretty good," she told reporters.  "I mean, he's black.  You know how hard it is to keep a black president alive?  Pretty hard."

The White House issued a press release, acknowledging that the president knew who she was.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Ultra-Orthodox Jews and Palestinians Refuse to sit next to babies, delay flight.


In what some are calling a "High Holy Day miracle, hundreds of Ultra-Orthodox Jewish men and no less than 24 Palestinian Wa-Wa owners on an El AL jet from New York to Israel,  joined each other in refusing to sit next to women with crying babies.

Many of the Palestinian men spent the 11 hour flight trying to bribe people to switch seats with them.  While some of the Ultra-orthodox Jews shook their head at this attempt, many complaining that they could have gotten the goyium to switch seats for less than half of what the Palestinians were paying, others joined right in.  When passengers refused, the Jews and Palestinians stood in the aisle, praying loudly together.

"It was an 11-hour long miracle," one of the flight attendants said.  To see Jews and Palestinians joined as one in a common cause, on the eve of Rosh Hashana -- well, you don't see that every day."

Young mothers on the flight were outraged, however.
"They assume my little angel will be crying the whole flight. And I'll tell you something else, they may be righteous men, but those Jews and Arabs don't exactly smell like a fresh spring men.  You think I wanted to spend 11 hours sitting next to a man sweating through dark wool?"

Once the plane took off, the Jews and Arabs shot out of their seats and started praying loudly in the aisle.

"They were wailing and carrying on for the entire flight," one passenger complained. "I paid a lot of money for this ticket, and I don't expect to have to listen to constant whining the entire flight.

Orthodox Jews believe God has a tendency to destroy a man if he sits next to a woman whom he is not married to.  Ultra-Orthodox Jews take this a step further, and aren't even sure what a woman is.
Regarding the refusal to sit next to infants on air flights, one Haredi man said, "You don't have to be crazy to hate sitting next to babies."

At one point, both Jews and Arabs started singing "Chickpeas in the Pita," a sarcastic parody of the children's song, "Wheels on the Bus."

Both Jews and Arabs remained united in their position for the entire flight, and only began killing each other after everyone had debarked from the plane.