Sunday, September 28, 2014

Ultra-Orthodox Jews and Palestinians Refuse to sit next to babies, delay flight.


In what some are calling a "High Holy Day miracle, hundreds of Ultra-Orthodox Jewish men and no less than 24 Palestinian Wa-Wa owners on an El AL jet from New York to Israel,  joined each other in refusing to sit next to women with crying babies.

Many of the Palestinian men spent the 11 hour flight trying to bribe people to switch seats with them.  While some of the Ultra-orthodox Jews shook their head at this attempt, many complaining that they could have gotten the goyium to switch seats for less than half of what the Palestinians were paying, others joined right in.  When passengers refused, the Jews and Palestinians stood in the aisle, praying loudly together.

"It was an 11-hour long miracle," one of the flight attendants said.  To see Jews and Palestinians joined as one in a common cause, on the eve of Rosh Hashana -- well, you don't see that every day."

Young mothers on the flight were outraged, however.
"They assume my little angel will be crying the whole flight. And I'll tell you something else, they may be righteous men, but those Jews and Arabs don't exactly smell like a fresh spring men.  You think I wanted to spend 11 hours sitting next to a man sweating through dark wool?"

Once the plane took off, the Jews and Arabs shot out of their seats and started praying loudly in the aisle.

"They were wailing and carrying on for the entire flight," one passenger complained. "I paid a lot of money for this ticket, and I don't expect to have to listen to constant whining the entire flight.

Orthodox Jews believe God has a tendency to destroy a man if he sits next to a woman whom he is not married to.  Ultra-Orthodox Jews take this a step further, and aren't even sure what a woman is.
Regarding the refusal to sit next to infants on air flights, one Haredi man said, "You don't have to be crazy to hate sitting next to babies."

At one point, both Jews and Arabs started singing "Chickpeas in the Pita," a sarcastic parody of the children's song, "Wheels on the Bus."

Both Jews and Arabs remained united in their position for the entire flight, and only began killing each other after everyone had debarked from the plane.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

SPLINKER'S DAILY AFFIRMATION: July Something, 2014





TAKE A MOMENT TO PAWS, AND REMEMBER WHY YOU HATE KITTENS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Splinker's Big Date!!!

HELLO SPLINKERVILLIANS!

If you've been reading the tabloids, then you know that author Liz Hoban, in a moment of weakness, agreed to meet me for coffee if her book, "A Fine Pickle" ever made it to the editor's desk on Authonomy.

Well, 1,300 personal spam requests and a dozen threads later, she made it!  And I'm happy to say she kept her word.



On the afternoon of July 1, 2014, she agreed to meet me for coffee.  I was so nervous that I asked everyone on Authonomy for dating advice.  But the only useful information I got was "Don't fart."
Easy to say, hard to do.  That and Frankie Sachs advice to wear socks with sandals, because bare feet are disgusting.

I am so bold!




















Anyway, I thought I needed more advice, so I went to a professional.
Madame Izabella looks into the crystal ball, her eyes glow red!  She says:  "Don't Fart!"


 Armed with the latest dating advice that modern technology can provide, I set out to find the perfect "first date" spot.  Now, if Liz were here, I'm sure she'd say something cute, like "What the Fuck?  It's not a Date!"  She really is adorable.  But she's not here so I can say what I want.

I thought about how nervous she must be, and excited as well.  After all, it's not every writer that gets to have a shot at Splinker.  Not since college, anyway.

So I looked and I searched and eventually found the perfect spot:



"Even the dirtiest date comes out clean and ready for more!"

Unfortunately, the shrubbery made her suspicious and she insisted that we meet somewhere more public, so we settled on a diner.

I had the perfect table reserved for us, but for some reason Liz insisted on sitting in the back.

It really wasn't much of a view, but she seemed to like it.  I got there early, because I wanted time to gather my thoughts.

I did something really silly.  I prepared note cards for topics of conversation.  I know, it's completely geeky, but I was really nervous.

I had eight cards.

1.  Me
2. "I've Been Deader"
3.  More me.
4.  What does she think of "I've Been Deader?"
5.  Which one of my Authonomy threads were her favorite?
6.  Which chapter of "I've Been Deader" did she like the best
7.  How excited was she to meet me, the author of "I've Been Deader?"
Pretty classy.  The hat is mine. 
8.  What does she do for a living?


I was determined to cover at least seven of these topics.

Anyway, we agreed that we'd each wear a red carnation so that we'd know who was who, although I was pretty sure I was me.  But you can never be too careful.












I was on my second glass of water, when something totally unexpected happened.  (Not that.  I'm not THAT old.)

She showed up!  And she was cute!  And unarmed!!!

No, not that!

That! No, I didn't put the carnation there to stop her from talking.  I had other reasons.
So this was the woman I had dedicated two months of my Authonomy life for.  Not bad.  A little more blurry than I thought, but what a nice person. I had heard rumors of nice people joining Authonomy, but I never thought I'd actually meet one.

I played it cool and didn't ask her to marry me or anything.  I waited until after the much sought after coffee.
She is a real athlete.  She practically flew out of the booth right after this was taken!




We talked and we talked and sometimes I even paid attention.  Eventually, her lunch minutes were up and we had to leave.  I insisted that I pay the check.  Not because I think a guy should do that, but because the bet was that she would buy me coffee if her book made the desk.  Since she didn't buy me coffee today, she has to meet me again.  It's like a law or something.

I left a big tip. Almost 20%.  But Liz was already out the door.  I felt so embarrassed, dragging her back in to show her, but I wanted to do everything right.








"Back off.  This is pepper spray!"
And then it was over.

I saved the coffee cup and took back some of the tip.

After texting her for a few hours, Liz decided to reply.  So I'm pretty sure there's a second date in our future.

Wish me luck!