Monday, March 5, 2012
Letters to the Unread
Dear Lady Riding on the Subway: As you know, I am trying to get "I've Been Deader" in stores in time for Halloween 2012. I Couldn't help but notice you on the A-train today, at approximately 9:17 a.m., at the 14th Street station. You were reading "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo." It occurred to me that this book, among other things, was not "I've Been Deader." I'm sure you realize by now that your decision to buy a book other than "I've Been Deader" resulted in you having less money. By squandering your capital in this manner, you are in danger of not having enough money to buy "I've Been Deader," when it finally is made available to the unwashed masses. Additionally, your unintentional endorsement of a non "I've Been Deader" product may have an adverse effect on my myself and my loved ones. So, I must ask, why do you hate me? Until I followed you to work today, we had never met, as far as I can remember. I am therefore at loss and do not understand why you are doing this to me. Moreover, when you took your lunch at 12:45 pm. at the Union Square Diner, I noted, in writing, that you brought the same novel with you. It's now 7:28 p.m., and I am affixing this letter to your door in the hopes that you will have a chance to read same before the morning. In the future, it is my sincerest wish that you refrain from engaging in non-"I've Been Deader" activities and that we can put this whole sorry episode behind us and go on with our respective lives. Thank you. Someone who is not Splinker.