Monday, October 8, 2012
I interview me!
As you know, "I've been doing the book blog tour thing for the past few weeks. People I don't know have been asking a lot of questions. Sure, they're not in uniform, but it still makes me edgy.
So I thought I'd find someone who really knows me and ask them if they'd like to interview me. I have a lot of close friends and all of them said no. Then I found this guy:
"I'll ask you anything you want, just keep that beautiful hand all the way up there!"
Splinker is my online persona and he keeps me warm on lonely winter nights. As some of you already know, "I've Been Deader" is a near-perfect blend of horror and comedy. What you might not know is that Splinker did the comedy and I did the horror. That's one of the reasons the book took twice as long to write, as we each were forced to type with only one hand.
Anyway, I'll post the links to the interviews I've given later. Right now, let's see what the sock puppet wants to know.
Splinker: "Hello. Today -- and every day really -- I am pleased to have Adam Sifre, author of "I've Been Deader," a near perfect blend of horror and comedy.
Adam: Um.. Yeah. Well, it's a bit hard on the knees. As for the published writer bit -- I'm sorry. You do know that isn't the cover of my book?
Splinker: "Sorry! (prima donna). Tell me, as a writer, do you have any shame? I mean, we post on the Amazon forums, Twitter, FaceBook, Authonomy, Scribophile, Mitt Romney's web page, etc. Always asking people to read our book. I mean, are we a writer or are we the Home Shopping Network?
Adam: You're talking about what we call Spam. The constant referring to one's product in inapporpriate -- Listen, about the cover...?
I've Been Deader, the greatest zombie novel ever written. Okay? Can we get on with it now please?
Adam: So, spam. I know I hate seeing plug after plug after plug on my Facebook page from writers announcing that they just wrote another page, or that their story was one that "just had to be written." It's tiring to read those kind of things over and over. So I figured, if I have to be subjected to it, I'm going to give as good as I get. Only better. My spam -- or as the kids call it today, "Splinker Spam" --
Adam: No. Not really. And that's still not the right book cover. That was the cover I used when I self-published. But when "I've Been Deader" was picked up by Taylor Street Publishing, they put the new cover on.
See, that there is a bit of spam, although it's not exactly --
SPLINKER: Funny? Interesting? Worth repeating? I completely understand. Why don't you give us an example of "Splinker Spam?" Something right off the top of your head?" Go!
Adam: Hi. I was hoping you might be able to help me. I wouldn't normally bother you, but tt's just that my mother's dog Sparky died last night. Mother's been widowed for the past 4 years since the leaf blower incident. Sparky's been her only real companion since then. After my dad was found in the compost heap, Mom was so devastated that we all thought she'd follow him in a matter of weeks. Not necessarily ending up in the compost heap, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, Sparky was a kind of Christmas miracle. That scrappy little puppy saved mom's life just by being there for her on those lonely Wisconsin nights. Last night, mom was making a batch of smores for St. Jude's orphanage for Iraqi war children, like she does every time this year. Only last night... last night.
The thing is, Mom's getting on in years and she doesn't see as well as she used to. But she's so vain about her eyes, especially the glass one. Always cleaning it, she is, and showing it off to the Jehova's Witnessess when they come to call. Anyway, she had a roll of Brawny paper towels too close to the stove and it caught fire.
She panicked and would have burned with the house if it wasn't for sparky. That beautiful, crazy dog threw itself on the small fire, smothering it before it got out of control. I know the cynics here will say he was just going for the S'mores. But you don't know Sparky. That dog was all heart. And a lot of fur. Flamable fur.
Anyway, by the time Sparky was put out, it was too late. The S'mores were cold and Sparky was overcooked. I think it was too much for Mom. She took to bed and won't get up. She just keeps staring at the ceiling and mumbling something about "A writer? Where did I go wrong?" She just keeps saying that over and over.
So I come before you, hat in hand, knowing full well there are others here with better books and more deserving than I, and I'm asking you all to help make another Christmas miracle happen for us.
Please, on this Halloween season of giving and brotherly love, take a moment out of your busy, important lives, and consider buying "I've Been Deader," and then maybe, just maybe, the bitch will finally shut up and give me a moment of peace and quite.
God bless you all.
Splinker: That was very good. Not really an off the cuff original piece of spam though, was it?
Adam: Well, no, not really.
Splinker: I don't think Mom's going to like that last part much either.
Adam: Yeah. Maybe we better not use it.
Splinker: Good idea.
Adam: So, any other questions?
Splinker: I think we've done enough for today. But thank you for coming by, I guess.
Adam: You're welcome. Hey do you think you can put the right book cover up?
Splinker: Jeeze. You never stop do you?