Some of you may know that today is election day here in the United States. If you watch the news, you know that Obama wants to eat our children and Mitt wants to usher in an apocalypse where the rich spend all their time dining on soylent green.
As an American who loves country and apple pie, I want to ask that you consider voting for me as a write-in candidate. I don't wear magic underwear and I wasn't smuggled into this country in a van full of Sudanese rabble rousers, but I believe that I possess the qualities this country needs in a president.
Think of all the money he'll save by firing the secret service. Messiah Romney has all the protection he needs and he isn't even demanding that his health care policy shoulder the cost.
First, I have spent as much time as any candidate asking people for money.
For just a few dollars, you can make a difference America!
Second, I'm just a little whiter than Obama and a little darker than Mitt. Let's be honest, no one trusts whitey and we still hold on to our wallets during State of the Union speeches. I don't need to invest campaign funds in Coppertone Spray-on to appear more Latino and you don't have to worry about me stealing your white women. I'm tan and harmless!
Bin Laden on your ass!
Third, I care about America. Not "black America." Not "billionaire America." Not even the America I can see from my window. I care about My America. My America is a place where everyone, regardless of their race or hygiene, can purchase my books, post on my FB page and tweet about my latest exploits. An America where people can put aside their petty problems and focus on me.
I SALUTE YOU.
That's it. Those are the reasons I believe you should go out and vote today. Are they good reasons? No. But when was the last time you had a good reason to go vote? My advice, invest in condoms and aspirin and open an Ebay account.
Paid for by the SPAC to spend leftover money.