Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Secret Service Chief Quits Among Charges of Racial Profiling.

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Earlier this week, Secret Service Head Honcho (SSHH), Julia Pierson, denied any truth to the rumors that her department was engaging in racial profiling.

Artist's rendition.
Ms Pierson admitted that her agency had engaged in a pattern of stalking, tailing, and constantly placing themselves in a position from which they could continually monitor President Obama's every move, but vehemently denied they had done so solely because President Obama is black.

"He's the president of the United States, for God's sake!  It's our job!"

Nevertheless, reports of racial profiling continued to surface, some claiming secret service agents also kept close tabs on Michele Obama, while completely ignoring other threats, such as white gunmen and Mitch McConnel.

"Every night I ask myself, 'Hey, where did the President go?"

Today Ms. Pierson announced her resignation on the White House Lawn.  "Recently, the country has become obsessed with my agency doing it's job, and I cannot, and will not, work under such conditions."

Ms. Pierson went on to list all of the Secret Service's recent accomplishments, pointing out that no one had actually killed the president during her entire time of employment.  "That's pretty good," she told reporters.  "I mean, he's black.  You know how hard it is to keep a black president alive?  Pretty hard."

The White House issued a press release, acknowledging that the president knew who she was.