Thursday, December 29, 2011

Oy, I think I'll keep her (him... them?)


As a forty-something man who’s been around the block, but never invited inside, I think I know a thing or two about marriage. The one thing I’ve learned is, if you want to keep the wife happy, divorce her.
Now, I’m a giver. I realize, however, that many men are selfish and unwilling to take such drastic measures just to keep that smile on the louder half. For those of you, men and women, who insist on staying married, I’ve come up with a list of ten simple ways to ensure you both remain stuck together for an unhealthy length of time. Unlike my other lists of ten, this one really does list ten things.
While I'm pretty sure there are only 10 rules to a successful marriage, I'm also betting that pet rocks and velour are going to make a big comeback next year. Feel free to come up with your own rules and share them here with your friends (but maybe not so much with your spouses).
1. Never go to bed angry. This is an old one, but that doesn't make it any less true. No matter how angry you are at your spouse, don't go to bed angry. Even if that means you have to spend the night with your mistress or boy toy to put that smile back on your face.
2. Keep things lively in the bedroom. Don't get complacent when it comes to sex. Routine is important for flossing and prostate exams, but it can kill a marriage (although often not fast enough to be really useful). Don't be afraid to use a variety of marital and visual aids in the bedroom. Just remember to keep your ears open and make sure you hide them before your spouse comes upstairs.

                                                                      Not that lively!

3. Get a good night's sleep. The Harvard Journal of Pretensiousness reports that couples who sleep at least 10 full hours a night only have to see each other, at most, fourteen hours a day.Reducing the amount of time spent awake with a spouse can add years to any marriage. If you are really serious about making your marriage work, try sleeping in shifts.

                                   Bless you Lunesta!                                    (I had this logo inserted in our Ketubah)

4. There's no such thing as a "white" lie. A lie is a lie. So you might as well make yours a whopper. If you’re lying in bed and your wife asks if you took out the garbage, say "I'm doing it now;" or "Twice already.”

5. For the guys: If you go to a men's room and there are 30 urinals and there's only one guy peeing in the first urinal, you will always go to the furthest urinal to do your business. This has nothing to do with a successful marriage, but it's still true.

6. Eat out often, even if it is with each other.

7. Don't forget the little things. Always remember to clear your computer's history and cookies before turning in for the night!

8. Role playing. Ladies, make up an imaginary "friend" who you met at the gym. And whenever you feel like pointing out the many flaws of your mother-in-law or other member's of your husband's family, just start complaining about your "friend." -- "I know Connnie means well, but she can be such a condescending bitch sometimes!"

9. Don't knock marriage counseling. Don't waste your money on it. But don't knock it.

10. Hobbies. Don't be afraid to take up a hobby that only you enjoy. Like Vodka. Or Resentment. It's amazing how having something to do all on your own can help those awkward "awake" hours fly by.

That’s it. You’re welcome.

Comments, suggest revisions, and order's of protection are, as always, welcome. Not always read.


  1. I almost forgot!

    Don't be shy about leaving comments on

  2. I'm sure following your advice would save many couples the heartache and the expense of getting married.My husband is inclined to agree with me.

  3. PS I left a comment inside your shorts in


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