Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Ten Ways To Get Noticed

The only thing writers need more than money, is attention. In the end that’s all writing is, the cumulative effects of a lifetime of begging for attention. I bet you were a middle child, weren’t you? Or perhaps your parents ignored you for more interesting hobbies, like work. Did your happiest days in school always result in a visit to the principal’s office? Ladies, did you get a special “thrill” when you wore a skirt or dress that was just a tad too short? (, all pics returned in kind).

You know what I’m getting at. You’re an attention whore. You thrive when you know people are talking about you, and you wilt when you think they’re not. Every time a writer adds a chapter to their never-ending novel, or uploads yet another blog post on what they ate for dinner, what they’re – what you’re – really saying is, “I’M HERE! I’M HERE! LOOK AT ME! ORBIT AROUNE MEEEEE! In my own case, I spent several months actually shouting those words, which only resulted in about $7.85 in quarters and dimes and three escorts off the premises of the New York Port Authority. So now I write.

But writing is just the secret knock that gets one into the Pay Attention Speakeasy known as the public. It doesn’t ensure notoriety. It isn’t enough just to deliver a great story. You need to find a way to get the bastards to sit down and read you. That ain’t easy.

Mel Gibson has the Jews, Charlie Sheen has hookers and tiger blood, Tiger Woods has golf clubs and Viagra, but what do we, the dirty and unread have? Words that no one has time for, that’s what we have, and it doesn’t matter how many exclamation marks you use in your story, people will still ignore you.

Okay, so we can all agree that we’re pathetic and needy. But what do we do about? How do we get the world to pay attention to us, and by “us”, I mean me? Well, I’m not going to tell you how to do that, because the more people that look at you, the less that look at me. I will, however, pretend to offer valuable advice here, and hope you waste valuable hours trying to implement my pearls of wisdom (she really hates when I call them that).


I wrote the greatest book, available for free only at and if you order by Tuesday! #publishorperish, #amsickofwriting, #buymebitches

Twitter is a fantastic way to get people to notice you. Here’s what you do. Open a twitter account then get people to notice you. This is usually done by “following.” You follow everyone you can think of and wait for them to follow you back. Since you are a writer (I know, you are enjoying the small thrill of hearing someone call you a writer; it is my gift to you), you’ll soon find that the only people who can pretend to stand you are other writers. In no time at all, you and your couple hundred of writer friends will be lavishing each other with cries for attention!

Don’t forget to follow all the agents and publishers on Twitter. If there were ever two groups of people who crave attention more than writers, it’s agents and publishers. Just remember, someday you may actually need one of these people. So, no matter how many times they post about the zany antics of their cats or children; no matter how often they talk about how overwhelmed they are or their heroic strives to get to all those e-mails; THINK BEFORE YOU REPLY. Remember, you don’t get credit for keeping your mouth shut for their first ten thousand posts. You only get penalized for that one time you accidently told them to STFU (that’s Twitter Talk for “Shut The Fuck Up).

FACEBOOK!!! “Splinker is editing!;” “I just doped up the kids on Nyquil, gave hubby a chubby rub, and now I can write!”

You’d be surprised at how many people actually look forward to reading your status message on Facebook, if the answer “none” surprises you. Facebook is like Twitter, but with way more features, so that makes it WAY more annoying! That’s not your fault. You’re just a writer (you’re welcome), not an internet God. It isn’t your fault that Facebook hasn’t found a way to let you hawk your book 102 times an hour without pissing people off.

The thing to remember when using Facebook is, if you don’t do it, someone else will. Don’t sit back and be a target for repetitive spamming. Take the initiative and be the spammer. Try to be creative though. Facebook has enough people lamenting about laundry day, or long work hours, or their disappointment with ‘Desperate Housewives.’ You’re a writer (calm down). Be creative when annoying the masses.

BLOGGING! “Ten Ways to Get an Agent’s Attention;” “The Future of Publishing!;” “Don’t Take It Out On The Dog!;” “What Publishers Want”

If there’s anything more interesting or sought after than blogposts on writing, I can’t think of it. I thank God and Al Gore every morning for giving me the gift of the internet, and all the blog posts that come with it. If you haven’t started blogging yet, stop reading now and do it. You are a serious writer (I just keep on giving) and you have a lot of important stuff to share with the world. Don’t waste it all in your book. Take a few tablespoons of Metamucil and BLOG!

The key to successful blogging is to keep doing it. Two or three times a day, if you can. Don’t worry about what you are writing. No one cares. I can promise you that I don’t, anyway. Just blog, blog, blog and blog. Blog about food. Blog about how hard it is to write. Blog about what you would do differently if you could go to your prom again. Blog about anything, just be sure to work in a plug about your book and where people can download or read it. Don’t forget the all important link: Feel free to use that one for your first few entries.

In the end, getting attention is as easy now as it was when you were three. Just keep repeating the same thing over and over, ignore what everyone else is doing or saying, and increase volume as necessary.


Splinker is the author of “I’ve Been Deader,” a near perfect blend of horror and comedy and is seeking representation. The first 10,000 words can be read here:

He has published “Inside My Shorts: 30 Quickies” available at and It’s a collection of short stories guaranteed to make him happy you purchased it.

If you read this article, don’t forget to comment and pretend you enjoyed it, so I can do the same for you. Thanks!


  1. I really, really, really, enjoyed this blog post. But I'm still not sure if it makes me more or less likely to read/buy I've Been Deader.

    You'll have to write some more blog posts to help me decide. XXX

  2. I couldn't help but notice you didn't have a link up for your friends hiding in the UK.

  3. Thank you Michele Brenton, if that IS your real name.

  4. I really should email you a picture of myself in a short skirt. It would take you days to recover. Actually loved this post but I tend to be a sick person and see humor in odd places. Thanks for the laughs.

  5. badluckdetective forgot her link!

  6. Y'know, you really could've tucked in at least one more (you're a writer!). It is the Holiday Season. Scrooge! ;p

  7. Funny hahaha! These are posts that make me smile when I am tired of the spam. Makes the spam worth it.

  8. You only mentioned three. You said ten, and you mentioned three.

    You must be from New Jersey.


You have an opinion about everything else. Might as well have one here. Remember, spelling counts.