Tuesday, November 10, 2015


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Just two days after Starbucks released it's controversial red holiday cups, three baristas reportedly burst into flames after being tricked into saying "Merry Christmas!"

How can I serve you... in Hell!

  In an apparent attempt to appease the Jews and other soulless customers, Starbucks has issued red "holiday" coffee cups, completely devoid of pictures of Jesus, Santa, elves, and other make believe creatures. 

Starbucks CEO, Howard Shultz, explained the company's recent decision to use red cups.  "We didn't think anyone would care.  I mean, they're just cups."

Not so, according to often sober pastor, Joshua Feuerstein.  "I have a hard enough time convincing people I'm not Jewish," Feuerstein lamented to CNN reporter, Wi Mei.  "When I buy coffee from November through December, the world needs to know I love Jesus.

Satan's Brew!

If God wanted us to drink coffee from 'holiday cups,' He'd have us all live in Jew York."

The pressure on Starbucks increased dramatically Monday afternoon when Republican Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, suggested boycotting the coffee.  "I can tell you this.  When I'm president, store owners are going to be saying "Merry Christmas.  In fact, I guaranty Christmas will be merrier than ever," the outpatient promised.  "I don't have anything against red cups.  Red cups love me, I promise you.  But I think they have treated me very unfairly."

Carson, Cosby.  They're both roofies

Republican candidate Ben Carson, also chimed in on subject.  "I... have...zzz...hmm?  Ah.  I have ... never... had coffee. zzz.  Huh?  Oh.  But when I was younger, before I found Santa, I threw hot chocolate at several children.  Then I found Jesus.  If Starbucks was around back then, maybe I wouldn't have found Jesus.  People need to find Jesus.  So keep Jesus on a the cups.  It's that simple.   

As if things couldn't get hotter for Starbucks, SplinkerMax has learned that three baristas spontaneously combusted Monday afternoon when customers placed orders and said their name was "Merry Christmas," forcing the soulless to utter the phrase shortly before bursting into flame.

No more on this story as it develops. 

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