Saturday, August 6, 2016

SPLINKERNEWSMAX!: IT REALLY IS AN EMBARRASSMENT, MRS. TRUMP

Welcome to the news blog that isn't afraid to say what others have said, after making sure no one got in trouble for saying it.  SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers.

Donald Trump had a fantastic week last week.  Really, really great.  They are the only kinds of weeks he has. Incredible, really.  Unbelievable (literally).

Not many of you know this, but Trump did a bunch of stupid stuff, probably as we at SplinkerNewsMax are reporting this story.  But the stupid stuff we want to talk about today is pornography.  Now, no one likes pornography more than me.  Just take a look at that sock puppet.  That ain't no hand in there!  But when Slovakian immigrants, come into our country and illegally engage in  pornographic shoots, taking money away from hard working American fluffers and tastefully collared lesbians, someone has to say something.

"A girl's gotta eat! But if you want to watch, it'll cost you extra!

But tonight, we're not going to discuss the fact that Donald probably married an illegal immigrant, who may have her citizenship revoked at any second.  (At least, this is what a lot of people are saying, what do I know).  Tonight, we're going to discuss First Lady Standards.


Let's start with a little perspective.  Our current first lady, Michelle Secret Muslim Obama, had graduated from Harvard Law and was working in a Chicago law firm, by the time she was 25.  Prior to that, when she was an undergraduate at Princeton (back when black Princeton chicks were a dime a dozen, no doubt), she was involved with the Carl A. Fields Center, an academic and cultural group that supported minority students, running their day care center, which also included after school tutoring (Wikipedia).  


But what she is most remembered for, is her blatant and perverse sexual nature which manifested itself in sleeveless dresses, to the horror of a nation.

JEZZABEL!!!

Before Michelle, there was Laura Bush.  Sure, she killed a guy before she was twenty, but by twenty-five Mrs. Bush was pursuing a career teaching 2nd Grade.  Good for her!

"Later, I taught your president how to read!"


Before Laura, there was future President Hillary Clinton.  By the time she was twenty-five, Hillary had already had three people killed!  And yet she still found time to graduate from Yale Law School, and serve as a congressional legal counsel a year later! 

"My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton. See? I can tell the truth!"

To sum up, the last three first ladies were two lawyers and a teacher.  I can't remember who was president before Clinton, but I'm sure that first lady was doing something perfectly respectable at the age of twenty-five.

Now, in his race against rampant syphilis, Donald Trump is trying to get elected to the White House.  Will he build a wall or just color with crayons?  Will he deport everyone who isn't him, or will he emigrate to Russia and play hide the football with Putin?  Who knows!? 

But if he were to get elected, we should all remember what the future first lady was doing when SHE was twenty-five:


Her hands were bigger than Donald's!
When she was twenty-five, Melania Hump was doing pornography for 'Pepee Le Pew,' a French Men's magazine.  She is the one on the right. Obviously, she's had plastic surgery on her face and, I hope, on those birth defects that made her nipples all blurry. Now, I'm not saying she was a whore or a prostitute, although I think some people are saying that.  I mean, I've heard some very smart people say that.  And I don't think she should feel ashamed because she posed for filthy pictures in exchange money. Maybe she should be ashamed for posing as Threat Level Orange's wife in exchange for money, but that's the subject of another article. 

I do believe, however, that if you are going to make your money doing pornographic shoots (and in 1995, this shit was pure jack off material), you should go in, or go down or whatever, with the understanding that it is going to kill your chances of being President or First Lady of the United States! 

Do you disagree?  What if I told you the other woman in this picture is wearing a Donald-sized strap-on?  Would that change your mind?  I mean, I know this isn't quite as bad as the sleeveless Michelle scandal, but at what point do we say, "Enough!"? 

God Almighty! It's like fuckin Soddom and Gemorrah here!