Tuesday, July 19, 2016

SPLINKERNEWSMAX RNC 2016! TUESDAY EDITION!

Welcome to the news blog that isn't afraid to say what others have said, after making sure no one got in trouble for saying it.  SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers.

The RNC stumbled, shouted and copied it's way through Day One of its attempt to get America to buy the bullshit "As Seen On TV."  Things did not get off to a good start. 

First, let's deal with the plagiarism.

We'll talk about the Melania hoopla later, but I really want to focus on what happened at the beginning of Day One.

"She stole everything from me! Well, almost everything ;)"
 Not now Caitlyn!  You'll get your chance!

Last week, we reported that Ivanka's Rabbi declined to speak at the Convention, saying only "God sees everything," when pressed by reporters.  But I assured our readers that Trump would have a back up rabbi ready.  In fact, you can ask a lot of people.  Many, many people remember me saying that. 

In fact, the Trump campaign did have a back up rabbi, and I said as much back in 2003, before everyone else was saying it.  Anyway, Rabbi Glatt gave a very nice invocation, and the six Jews that hidden in the audience were unharmed for the rest of the day, despite Guliani's excellent Mussolini stand up act toward the end of the evening. 

Later, however, rumor's began circulating about Rabbi Glatt's speech.  Several delegates became suspicious when the Rabbi started speaking in Hebrew.

"At first I thought he was summoning a demon," an unnamed delegate from North Dakota told no one who was listening. "I just figured his horns were under his magic hat, kinda like the Mormons, and that he was opening up a portal or something.  You know, so Trump could get here. But nothing happened right away, and I forgot about the whole thing."

"I only play a rabbi on TV"

"Something isn't kosher in Cleveland"

Others were not so sure.  A transcript of the incantation was obtained and delivered to SplinkerNewsMax.  Our investigative staff can now confirm that parts of Rabbi Glatt's prayer were remarkably similar to the passages in the Jewish Bible, and to portions of David Goldman's 2011 bar mitzvah.

Trump initially responded by Tweet: "Dems. are desperate. I've never read a Bible, I'm sure there's no Hebrew in it. Crooked Hillary strikes again. Sad!"

While David Goldman did not respond to our requests ("not to be seated next to the band"), we were able to confirm that many bibles do in fact contain Hebrew and that the rabbi's speech was remarkably similar to something called a psalm.

Campaign manager, Paul Manafort responded by doubling down and denying everything. Paul Manafort, shown here making a rare appearance at Trump Headquarters on casual Friday, insisted that the Jewish myth was started by Hillary Clinton. Manafort is running Trump's campaign, and is responsible for nothing, according to him.
Before joining the Trump Asylum, Manafort ran the campaign to elect a Putin puppet in the Ukraine, and successfully lobbied for serval shady dictators and criminals.  Fortunately, Trump has said time and time again that he will not be under the thumb of any special interests or lobbyists, so there is nothing to worry about here.


It never happened.


So that's all that happened in the first five minutes.  Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful afternoon.
Stay tuned!