SPLINKERNEWSMAX: RNC CONVENTION 2016!!!

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The Trump campaign released it's list of speakers at this weeks Republican Convention, and it has already caused quite the stir.

As you may have heard Football great Tim Tebow, originally on the list, tweeted that he will not be attending. 

Not T-Bone! Tebow!

Yesterday afternoon, the righteous quarterback tweeted "While I believe the Republican Party is taking America in the right direction, I am uneasy about getting on my knees anywhere near Mr. Trump. 

Hashtag #MoveoverRubio

Tebow is not the only holy roller who has sent his regrets.  Ivanka Trump's Rabbi, said he will not be attending the convention.  Rabbi Whathisname, from Congregation Unpronounceable, told reporters that he will not be attending, after God revealed to him that his presence might be interpreted as having political overtones.  Trump responded by tweet, saying he was disappointed in the Rabbi's decision, but that "No one ever said Jews were stupid. Sad!

"I was told there'd by Lox"

These two surprise religious "no-shows" left the Trump camp scrambling for replacement speakers.  After consulting with his advisors, Mr. Trump grudgingly admitted that it was too late to father any more children, and his black friend was not returning his phone calls.

You blew it Darren! Next time pay your Sprint bill!

Sources unfamiliar with my name, however, recently confirmed that both Pikachu and Zapdos have been slated to appear at the convention. Critics argue that both speakers are about as real as Trump's tan.  Angry Black Man, the leader of the Ohio Chapter of #BlackLivesMatter condemned the last minute bait and switch at a news conference in Philadelphia, in front of the Rocky Balboa Memorial to Fallen Fighters.

Trumpy Poo, I choose you!

No Gays Makes Common Pence!

"This is nothing more than a racist - I mean blatant - attempt to lure unsuspecting college democrats into the voting booths, and another example of Trump's desire to be a master over anything, even if it's imaginary."

SplinkerMax will have more on the Republican Convention as soon as it develops into something funny. 

This just in: The photograph of Ivanka's Rabbi is actually a photograph of a different rabbi. We here at SplinkerNewsMax apologize for the error, and repeat that others may believe that all rabbis look alike, or are in fact the same person. People may be saying that but what do we know?