Thursday, April 6, 2017

DAY 77: Man Down!

Welcome to SPLINKERNEWSMAX!  SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers. 

Keep your eyes open for my upcoming book "144k: The first 144,000 Fun-Filled Minutes of Trump." (Title a work in progress and copyrighted, patent pending;  reuse of this title or anything contained herein may result in tiny twinges of guilt.)

DAY 77: Trump still has not released his tax returns.  If he was waiting for the world to implode on his desk and distract the nation, he got his wish.

Steve Bannon is out of the National Security Council.  At a time when the U.S. faces at least two massive world crisis: Syria/Russia and North Korea/China, the nation has been deprived of this intellectual treasure.  Whatever will we do?

Okay. I exaggerate.  Bannon is not gone.  He still has top security clearance.  He still gets to press al the buttons on the White House secret elevator.  Still, it looks as if Bannon will  no longer get the choicest cuts of Trump meat loaf.  

The New York Times says Bannon threatened to resign from the government he seeks to deconstruct.  Other sources (Palmer Report) are saying the only reason he stayed is because his business partner, Rebekah Mercer, scratched him behind his ears, sang German lullabies into his cauliflower ear, and convinced him to stay put as "chief strategist." 

I know what you're thinking.  "Who is Rebekah Mercer? She sounds Jewish." 

Here's a quick explanation:  Rebekah owns Cambridge Analytica. Bannon was the Executive Chairman of Analytica when he took over Trump's campaign.  I don't think we knew that at the time. Analytica is funded entirely (or almost) by Rebekah and her family.  There are plenty of articles that credit Trump's win with the voter data mined by Rebekah and Bannon's company. 

What made Analytica's data so special?  Who knows?  SPOILER ALERT: They used voter registration databases provided by the Russian hackers.  How do I know this? I don't! 

So, Bannon is out of the NSC, but he's still very much hanging around.  He's hot headed, but his cooler head convinced him to stay put and stick to the plan.  SPOILER ALERT: The plan is to deconstruct every administration in the government.  AND IT'S WORKING! 

McCain's Centipede Upgrades to Millipede 
Senator John McCain famously referred to the investigation into the Trump campaign's role in assisting Putin with the hacking of the 2016 election, as a centipede with another shoe dropping every day.  Today's shoe was a a doosey.

Citing a bazillion ethics complaints filed against him, House Intelligence Committee leader, Devin Nunes, announced that he is temporarily stepping aside from the Committe's Russian investigation.  One might be shocked that a person who at one time was deeply involved with the Trump transition team, would run into a smidgen of ethical problems while investigating the president's campaign.  But it happened! 

As you know, here at SplinkerNewsMax, we never jump to conclusions.  We simply have conclusions thrust upon us.  Without going into the past details, let's list a quick list of events that led up to Nunes removing himself from the investigation:

1. Before trading in his reputation for a lifetime's supply of Turtle car wax, Cailf. rep. Nunes was a loud critic of the Obama administration on the classic hits like Benghazi.  He's been an advocate for expanding or at least keeping National Security Agency programs. 

2. Nunes then became a member of Mr Trump's tranny team after the election. Those who know what they're talking about, give him a lot of credit for the selection of Gen. James Mattis for as Defence Secretary.  (The NSA is very different from the NSC - the group Bannon was booted from.)

3. After Bannon assumed the presidency, Nunes pledged to lead an impartial investigation into Russia's involvement in the 2016 election. Obviously, this requires Nunes to more or less stay away from the White House, as Trump's campaign team was part of that investigation. 

5.  In February, at the White House's urging, Nunes spoke to reporters to push back on a story about Trump's people's ties to Russian operatives.  This was the first overt crack in Nunes pretending to be impartial. 

6. Nunes heroically fought to keep his mouth shut for days and days.  But then came March.  
7. March 4: Trump, nervous about where the investigation is heading, tweets that Obama wiretapped him at Trump Tower and that Obama was a "bad or a sick guy." Everyone except uncle Ralph immediately knew that Trump's tweets were his usual mix of lies, paranoia, and distraction. But, he is the faux president.  So of course, Sean Spicer came out and said White House attorneys were reviewing options for pursuing claims.  SPOILER ALERT: THIS IS ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING "WE WILL SPEND TAXPAYER MONEY AND GOVERNMENT ASSETS TO PROP UP TRUMP'S IMPROMPTU LIE."

8. March 6: BACKPEDALING.  Spicer says "wiretapping" means monitoring under a secret foreign intelligence eavesdropping warrant and that "there is substantial reporting out there from individuals and from sources" that this happened. Now, if you're paying attention, you might say "So fucking what? Isn't that legal, and woudn't that mean there was enough smoke leaking from Trump's trousers to 'warrant' a warrant?"

9. March 7: Spicer says there's no new evidence and Trump has no regrets about the tweet.  Because, fuck it.

10. March 15: House and Senate intelligence people say they have seen dick when it comes to Trump's dumbass tweets. Later that night, Fox News takes a few minutes rest from sexually harassing women, and interviews Trump.  Trump says he'll be submitting shit to the committee very soon and then we'll really see something!

11.  March 16: Sean reads a list of articles that show surveillance happened.  He cites a Fox News story about how British Intelligence confirmed this.  Here we have the first clear international incident arising out of Trump's March 4 lie. 
"Ms. Moneypenny.  Will you come in here please?"

12. March 17:  The White House says "Oops.  Sorry Britain."  Alas, the apology came too late for poor Ms. MoneyPenny, who has not been heard from since.

13. March 20: The heads of the liberal FBI and NSA testify under oath that they have seen no evidence of wiretapping and that, while they believe there is a perfectly logical explanation for Trump's skin color, they cannot explain it at this time. 

Okay, my fingers are getting tired.  Let's wrap this up at lucky 14.
14.  After all this.  Nunes holds a press conference saying he was shown something that is disturbing, but no one else is allowed to see it.  Then he ran to show the president the evidence, assuring us that it had nothing to do with Russia.  Then he held another press conference where he said that the information he was shown was given to him by whistleblowers, and that there was nothing illegal about what he read.  Then we learned that Nunes played ninja spy and snuck into the whitehouse in the dead of night days before the first press conference, at which time White House people gave him the information.   Trump's guys gave Nunes the information, told him to run a lap around the White House and then come back and show the president the information that he gave them.  The information Trump said he'd be giving Nunes on Fox News a few weeks before he did. So, Nunes lied about the source, compromised the investigation and chose instead to cooperate with the guy who he was investigating.  This resulted in various ethics complaints being filed against Nunes, and his decision to step aside from the investigation.

Hey! Remember Bannon?  The guy who was booted from the NSC?  Do you think that maybe he got his pasty ass kicked off because he had something to do with the completely stupid, reckless and amateur attempt to misdirect the public with all that non-information that the White House provided him in the first place?  SPOILER ALERT! DUH!

And so ends Nunes. 

That's it for this morning.  We have China, Syria, Supreme Court, and N. Korea to get to, so there may be a special evening edition of day 77 today.  Stay tuned!

It's 12:20 p.m.
Good morning!

No comments:

Post a Comment

You have an opinion about everything else. Might as well have one here. Remember, spelling counts.