Friday, April 14, 2017


Welcome to SPLINKERNEWSMAX! SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers. 

Keep your eyes open for my upcoming book "144k: The first 144,000 Fun-Filled Minutes of Trump." (Title a work in progress and copyrighted, patent pending;  reuse of this title or anything contained herein may result in tiny twinges of guilt.)

Day 85: Donald Trump still has not released his tax returns.  Perhaps it is because he doesn't want us to see that he made tax deductible donations to Planned Parenthood.  Or maybe it's because he spelled his name wrong on the signature page.  Who knows?? Not me.  But I have a feeling we're all going to see them sooner or later.

When Trump wasn't busy jacking off to photos of chocolate cake, or throwing darts at his special large-print edition of "Foreign Policy Choices," he took a few minutes out of his day to being the "deconstruction" of Planned Parenthood. 

On Thursday, in a dimly lit room as yet undiscovered by the media, President Trump - a  man who loves the limelight so much, he's stands in it until he turns orange - quietly signed legislation that allows state and local governments to withhold federal funds from any family planning service that offers abortions.  A/K/A Planned Parenthood. 

Now, despite what you might overhear Sean Hannity muttering in his sleep, Planned Parenthood is already prohibited from using federal funds to perform abortions.  In plain speak, that means that they can't accept medicaid from any poor woman who needs an abortion.

The reasoning behind this prohibition is set forth in the Hyde Amendment, which states: 

"If you're a woman and don't have money, fuck you. You're going to have that baby while we figure out how to deprive you of any welfare or aid to raise it."  

Keep in mind, that third world oppressive shit is ALREADY in place.  Now Trump's legislation takes it to a whole new level.  

Trump's law means that, depending on the whims of your state, you may find it a lot harder to find access to health care for contraception, sexually transmitted infection, prenatal care, breast cancer screening, cervical cancer screenings, etc., from any health care professional or institution that also offers abortions.  

The Bill was tied in the senate but the tie was broken by a man so terrified of women, he refuses to be alone with any of them until they have been vetted by marrying him. So, fuck you very much, Mike Pence. 

Back in 2016 B.T., your state was prohibited from withholding federal funds for any reason other than a facility's  inability to provide family care. 

This law doesn't effect Medicaid reimbursements for non-abortion services, but it does put the axe to Title X funds - the 1970 federal family planning program.  Title X accounts for 10% of the federal funds Planned Parenthood receives. 

But look on the bright side.  We no longer have to worry about Roe v. Wade being overturned.  Trump and Congress seem determined to do that on their own. 

If you want to see a clear list of what Trump's law means, click on the ACTIONABLES Website .  It's also a great place to go to for ideas on what you can do about this and all the other shit that is coming down the road.  

The Palmer Report is er, reporting, that sources are saying one of the Trump kids are heading toward a shit storm.  

Claude Taylor was a President Clinton Staffer.  He's said a bunch of stuff in the past that has proven to be correct.  That makes him a reliable source.  I looked it up.  Yesterday, he tweeted: 

“Just getting this. A source is telling me that two countries’ Intel agencies have handed over audio of Trump kids-criminal acts on tape” 

Mr. Taylor then took a few hours off, I presume to catch some of the "Pawn Stars" marathon.  But then he was back on Twitter! 

“Confirmed; British and German Intel have handed over electronic evidence on Trump kid’s criminal wrongdoing. Qatar delivered additional”  
"I told you we shouldn't have taken pictures!"

So, which kid is it?  Well, Barron is probably safe. I mean, there may be a few dead stray cats in the kid's future, but I don't think he's done anything wrong yet. 

Tiffany's every move for the last six years has been documented, minute for minute, on Instagram, so she has an alibi.  Plus, she spits between her fingers and utters a gypsy curse every time she hears the word "Trump."  You know, like the rest of us.

That leaves Norman Bates (Eric), Damien (Donald, Jr.), and Cruella De'Vanka. 

SO, let's meet today's contestants on...


We all know how the game is played.  Each contestant tells you a story, and then you have to guess which lie is coming back to bite him or her on the ass.  Are we ready to play?  Good! Let's meet our first contestant. 

Welcome Cruella De'Vanka!  Tell us a story!

"Thank you Splinker. My story takes place in a magical land called

'Azerbaijan'.  A long time ago, before the world became a very big mess and before Trump was president, a beautiful and smart woman - ME! - entered into a borderline creepy relationship with her father.  The two of us went on a little getaway to Azerbaijan. In the middle of this magical land was a palace known as The Trump International Hotel and Baku project.  Because the rules of logic hold no sway in Azerbaijan, you couldn't even get to the hotel by using things like 'roads.' Alas, when my husband - I mean Daddy - accidentally became president, we had to pull out of the project.  And it's a good thing we did!  As it turns out, the entire thing was nothing more then a scam to launder money for The Iranian Revolutionary Guard.  

I'll tell you a secret.  Daddy and I knew we were doing bad things for bad people.  I mean, there weren't roads leading to the "resort hotel" and the hotel itself was miles from the one resort area in the entire city.  But we had to pretend the hotel made sense because, you know, Iran and money!  Our partners on the project all had a history of dealing with bad people.  I mean, people so bad that it's illegal to do business with them.  If we ever got caught, we might have to pay hundreds of millions of dollars in fines and maybe even go to jail!  Daddy says that there are no silver spoons in jail.  He says people have to eat with plastic! I think he's just trying to scare me, but sometimes Daddy tells the truth, so I don't know. 

Our "business partner" was in bed with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.  And you know what? If we get caught, we're not allowed to say "Oh, we didn't know they were bad!"  if you ever read any of Daddy's depositions, you know that "I didn't know it was wrong" is his most favorite thing to say!  

My name in Ivanka Trump.  And I'm going to jail for helping the president launder money for the Iranian Revolutionary Guard."

Thank you Ivanka.  That is quite a compelling story, and we can certainly see how you might have been caught in that lie.  

"I kill things because I feel nothing."
ERIC TRUMP! Tell us a story!

"Thank you Splinker.  My lie takes place in a magical land named Azer- Azerra - darn it.  I can't spell my place.  Oh wait, duh!  My lie takes place in a magical land named DUBAI! That's a city in the United Arab Emirates.  I know, because Dad makes me write it on my hand, in case I get lost and can't remember what to tell the pilot. 

Dad loves building golf courses.  It's his way of giving something back to the people.  Like Jimmy Carter does with his hamster habitat project.  Anyway, Dad really, REALLY wanted to build a golf course in Dubai.  But the bad men there kept making it harder and harder for us to open.  I always thought that if you were a Trump, you just had to shout things and then they would get done.  I remember my first trip to Dubai.  I spent three whole days yelling 'OPEN SESAME' at the golf resort, but it never did. I tried other stuff too, but nothing worked.  And then Daddy became president!

Two weeks after we made that boo-boo in Yemen that got a Navy seal and a bunch of Yeti's or whatever Yemen people are called, killed, Dubai let us open our golf resort!

I got to be the one who announced the resort was opening.  We had fireworks and everything! YAY ME! It happened so fast, that Dad's website still talked about the resort like it was going to open in the future, when it was already opened.  What luck!

Okay, now promise not to tell anyone, but, remember when I was talking about that Yemen thing?  Well, did you know the raid was a joint effort between America and the UAE?  You did?  Well, aren't you just the sharpest tack in the box!  I bet you didn't know that the guy we were supposed to kill was mostly a threat to the UAE, and not to us. That raid was like, really risky.  And we risked a lot to get a guy that really wasn't worth more than a drone strike.  And, boy did we fuck that one up! I mean, we pretty much killed everyone in Yemen EXCEPT for that bad guy we were supposed to. 

My name is Eric Trump, and I'm going to jail for helping Dad get a Navy seal and a bunch of Yeti's killed in exchange for a golf course!

Why, thank you Eric.  That's quite a story!  Take a seat and have a cookie.  We'll come back to you soon!

"Ah, Prom. I built a cage with her bones!"

Donald, Jr., tell us a story!

"Thank's Splinker.  Before I get started, I just want to tell you that I read your book, 'I've Been Deader' and I found it to be a near perfect blend of horror and comedy!  Well done.

Okay, here's my story.  It's sad, but true!
It's also short and sweet.  Basically, I've been dealing with questionable Russians, like every day for the last ten years.  I mean, at this point, I have to drink half a bottle of NyQuil every night.  Otherwise I'm up past dawn trying to figure out which lie the Jew bankers - I mean, the FBI - is going to catch me in.

Just off the top of my head:
In 2016, like right before the election that my Dad accidentally won, I spoke at a dinner hosted by the "Center of Political and Foreign Affairs."  That is an important sounding name. It can mean a lot of things.  One of the things you would never think it means though, is "we love Russia!"  The people running Center are trying to end the civil war in Syria and they are trying to do this by promoting everything Putin likes.  In other words, they want to make sure Assad wins, or that when he leaves, one of Putin's friends will be running things. The Center of Political and Foreign Affairs really loves Putin! So do I! I would have done it for free, but they paid me $50,000 anyway. 

When I got caught, my people had the perfect defense.  'Don't worry about it.  He's been giving these speeches for more than 10 years,' they said.  'Ten years is a long time, so you don't have to worry about Don helping people help Putin. Because it's nothing new.'  I love my people!  They are as clever as a room full of Jewish accountants!

Now I run my Dad's fake Trust and when Putin wants to put money in my Dad's pocket, he has to go through me!

My name is Donald Trump, Jr., and I'm going to jail for kissing Putin's ass for longer than I can remember!"

Thank you Donald.  That's quite a story.  Okay audience. Who's lie is going to land them in the big house?  Will it be Ivanka's Iranian Revolutionary Guard money laundering scheme?  Or maybe Eric's involvement in the Yemen war in exchange for a golf resort?  Or could it be Donald Trump's years of paid service to promote Putin's agenda? 

You make the call.  Feel free to comment. Then sit back and wait to see who wins.  That's all for today.  Join us again in ten minutes, when we'll have another set of contestants ready to play "WHAT'S...MY...LIE?"

I went way over my 15 minutes.  If you care about things like the impending war with North Korea, big bombs in Afghanistan, the deaths to our allies in Syria resulting from last week's missile strike and a separate botched military operation, Trump hugging it out with the American raping China, or his inability to remember who he attacked, you'll have to read about it elsewhere.  

And, especially if you are concerned about the possibility of  N.Korea engaging in a nuclear test while Trump dry humps his dessert table in Mar-largo, you'll have to read about it somewhere else.  

That's it!
It's 11:16 a.m.  
Good morning!

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