As we plow through the sock puppet days of April, a time traditionally set aside for purchasing zombie books and such, I thought we'd take a break from the undead, and have a chat with Donald Trump, sometime president and non-author of "Art of the Deal," and "Hair. Whaddah Ya Gonna Do?"
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Now, because of Mr. Trump's speech impediment, some of the answers may seem like they are made up. They are not. This interview is raw, real, and emotional. I have not edited a single word Mr. Trump said, and I apologize in advance for that.
If that doesn't get your attention, you must be deader than dead. Speaking of deader, let's get right to the hard hitting questions. Hello Mr. Trump. Thanks for stopping by. Please put Antonio down and have a seat.
Now, first things first.
Me: Have you read "I'VE BEEN DEADER" and how much did you love it?
Me: Er. Okay. Not the best review I've had, but not the worst either. Well, thank you for coming today. I was hoping Melania would be joining you today. Is she still at Trump Tower?
Trump: Many people, human rights people, are talking about it. It's an incredible thing, especially when you meet her. You realize — I mean, she was in a rough place. And as you know, she went through a trial. And anyway, she was let go.
Me: Really? I had no idea. I would have thought she could just use the elevator or something. I want to talk to you for a moment about Match .com. It's obvious that you and Melania aren't exactly soul mates, but I was surprised to learn that you started dating again. My sources tell me that you've been looking for the next ex-Mrs. Trump since you came into office. Tell me, how is that going so far?
Trump: I think the 100 days is, you know, it's an artificial barrier. It's not very meaningful. I think I've established amazing relationships that will be used the four or eight years, whatever period of time I'm here. I think for that I would be getting very high marks because I've established great relationships with countries, as President el-Sissi has shown and others have shown. Well, if you look at the president of China, people said they've never seen anything like what's going on right now. I really liked him a lot. I think he liked me. We have a great chemistry together. ...
Me: Wow! Does Pence know about this? Do you think this new romance with China's president is the real deal or, you know, more of a transactional deal, if you know what I mean (wink wink)?
Trump: He's going to end up paying. But you know, nobody ever asked the question. Nobody asked. Nobody ever asked him to pay up. So it's a different kind of a presidency.
Me: You dirty dog! Hey, tell me a little bit about something, anything, that you're working on, and use your big boy words. Pretend I'm a voter who can read.
Trump: I think we're doing very well and I think we have a great foundation for future things. We're going to be applying, I shouldn't tell you this, but we're going to be announcing, probably on Wednesday, tax reform. And it's — we've worked on it long and hard.
Me: Wow. That was pretty good! I think I know one president who's going to get to pick something out of the toy basket when he leaves here today. Can you explain to our readers how government works?
Trump: So the Republican Party has various groups, all great people. They're great people. But some are moderate, some are very conservative. The Democrats don't seem to have that nearly as much. You know the Democrats have, they don't have that. The Republicans do have that. And I think it's fine. But you know there's a pretty vast area in there. And I have a great relationship with all of them. Now, we have government not closing. I think we'll be in great shape on that. It's going very well. Obviously, that takes precedent.
Me: Okay. I'm just going to put the toy basket over here for a little while. Let's finish the interview and then we'll see, okay?
Me: Okay. So, in the last few months, you've done a few "flip flops" on your key campaign promises. Little things, like refusing to distance yourself from your businesses, changing the wall to maybe a fence and maybe a fence that Americans will pay for. There's a long list, actually and -
Trump: But we've done a lot. You have a list of things. I don't have to read it.
Me: No, you don't. I don't think we have enough time for that, but -
Trump: But things change. There has to be flexibility. Let me give you an example. President Xi, we have a, like, a really great relationship.
Me: I'm not judging you. That's for God and Mike to do.
Trump: For me to call him a currency manipulator and then say, "By the way, I'd like you to solve the North Korean problem," doesn't work. So you have to have a certain flexibility, Number One. Number Two, from the time I took office till now, you know, it's a very exact thing. It's not like generalities. Do you want a Coke or anything?
Trump: But President Xi, from the time I took office, he has not, they have not been currency manipulators. Because there's a certain respect because he knew I would do something or whatever. But more importantly than him not being a currency manipulator the bigger picture, bigger than even currency manipulation, if he's helping us with North Korea, with nuclear and all of the things that go along with it, who would call, what am I going to do, say, "By the way, would you help us with North Korea? And also, you're a currency manipulator." It doesn't work that way.
ME: Okay. Definitely no toy basket for you. And you know that China stopped any currency manipulation months and months and months before you became president. Come on, Donald. Even you know that. And you can see why people would expect you to take a tougher line on China, after you promised the country you would avenge the Chinese raping of our purple mountains majesty, right?
Donald: some of them get it, in all fairness. But you know some of them either don't get it, in which case they're very stupid people, or they just don't want to say it. You know because of a couple of them said, "He didn't call them a currency manipulator." Well, for two reasons. Number One, he's not, since my time. You know, very specific formula. You would think it's like generalities, it's not. They have — they've actually — their currency's gone up. So it's a very, very specific formula. And I said, "How badly have they been," ... they said, "Since you got to office they have not manipulated their currency." That's Number One, but much more important, they are working with us on North Korea. Now maybe that'll work out or maybe it won't. Can you imagine? ...
Me: Imagine what? What the fuck are you talking about? Let's move on. Tell me at least two great things, and one tremendous thing that you are doing in your first 100 days.
Donald: I'm rebuilding the military. We have great people. We have great things in place. We have tremendous borders.
Me: Good for you! Now, I hear that you have found a way to actually make money by buying planes. Tell us a little about that.
Donald: I mention the F-35 because if I can save $725 million — look at that, that's a massive amount of money. And I'll save more as we make more planes. If I can save that on a small number of planes — Gen. Mattis said, "I've never seen anything like this," because he had to sign the ultimate (unintelligible) ... He had to sign the ultimate, you know. He said, "I've never seen anything like this before, as long as I've been in the military." You know, that kind of cutting.
Me: I've never seen anyone sign an ultimate before. That must really be something. Is there anything about the White House that surprised you?
The Big D: Well the one thing I would say — and I say this to people — I never realized how big it was. Everything's so (unintelligible) like, you know the orders are so massive. I was talking to —
Me: Yeah. I hear it's roomy, and a new place can be a little scary, I bet.
Big D: It's massive. And every agency is, like, bigger than any company. So you know, I really just see the bigness of it all, but also the responsibility. And the human responsibility. You know, the human life that's involved in some of the decisions.
Me: What? What do you mean by "human responsibility"? I mean, you ARE human, right?
Big D: Well in business, you don't necessarily need heart, whereas here, almost everything affects people. So if you're talking about health care — you have health care in business but you're trying to just negotiate a good price on health care, et cetera, et cetera. You're providing health. This is (unintelligible). Here, everything, pretty much everything you do in government, involves heart, whereas in business, most things don't involve heart.
Me: That must be hard for you. Now that you know you have a heart, do you think you'll cut back on the KFC and meatloaf?
Big D: Let me leave a little room just in case (unintelligible). ... And that's a big story, because a lot of people think I'm going to put it out much later.
Me: Let's talk about the wall. Now that you are president, I'm sure you realize that you represent the entire country, not just the people who voted for you. This Friday, if you can't agree on a budget, the government shuts down. Lots of people don't want a wall and, you promised that only dirty Mexicans would pay for it anyway. Can we assume you won't make funding the wall a "line in the sand" for the budget?
Small D: I don't know yet. People want the border wall. My base definitely wants the border wall, my base really wants it — you've been to many of the rallies. OK, the thing they want more than anything is the wall. My base, which is a big base; I think my base is 45 percent.
Me: I don't know if it's that big, but a lot of people might look at that number and say, "Hey, that's a minority. That's less than half." But continue.
Just Plain D: You know, it's funny. The Democrats, they have a big advantage in the electoral college. Big, big, big advantage. I've always said the popular vote would be a lot easier than the electoral college.
Me: You know that's not true, right? Are you done babbling?
Just Plain Dick: The electoral college — but it's a whole different campaign (unintelligible). The electoral college is very difficult for a Republican to win, and I will tell you, the people want to see it. They want to see the wall, they want to see security. Now, it just came out that they're 73 percent down. ... That's a tremendous achievement. ... Look at this, in 100 days, that down to the lowest in 17 years and it's going lower. Now, people aren't coming because they know they're not going to get through, and there isn't crime.
ME: There isn't crime? Really?
Dick: You know the migration up to the border is horrible for women, you know that? (Unintelligible.) Now, much of that's stopped because they can't get through.
Me: They can't get through? Did you go and build a wall when no one was looking? And is it true that you see dead numbers?
Dickless Wonder: Oh I'm seeing numbers — $24 billion, I think I'll do it for $10 billion or less. That's not a lot of money relative to what we're talking about. If we stop 1 percent of the drugs from coming in — and we'll stop all of it. But if we stop 1 percent of the drugs because we have the wall — they're coming around in certain areas, but if you have a wall, they can't do it because it's a real wall. That's a tremendously good investment, 1 percent. The drugs pouring through on the southern border are unbelievable. We're becoming a drug culture, there's so much. And most of it's coming from the southern border. The wall will stop the drugs.
Me: If I understand correctly, you're having a stroke. A wall stops all drugs from coming into the country? Some say that a wall will stop zero drugs from coming in. But let's talk about your base. They want a wall. We know that. But they also want Mexico to pay for it. Has that pipe dream sailed?
Dickless: My base understands the wall is going to get built, whether I have it funded here or if I get it funded shortly thereafter, that wall's getting built, OK? One hundred percent. One hundred percent it's getting built. And it's also getting built for much less money — I hope you get this — than these people are estimating. The opponents are talking $25 billion for the wall. It's not going to cost anywhere near that.
Me: I believe you. Because you are so trustworthy. Pretend that I am a four year old. Explain to me how much the wall will cost.
Dickless: I think $10 billion or less. And if I do a super-duper, higher, better, better security, everything else, maybe it goes a little bit more. But it's not going to be anywhere near (those) kind of numbers. And they're using those numbers; they're using the high numbers to make it sound impalatable (sic). And the fact it's going to cost much less money, just like the airplane I told you about, which I hope you can write about.
Me: I can write about it. I'm not sure you can read it. Let's talk about France. You've been criticized for weighing in on the election and saying that Le Penn may win if there are more acts of terror. In a way, you are encouraging terrorists to strike before the election. So, explain to us how our border patrol discourages terrorism in France. I dare you.
Dickless: No, I am no different than — no, I think it discourages terrorists, I think it discourages. I think what we've done on the border discourages it. I think that my stance on having people come in to this country that we have no idea who they are and in certain cases you will have radical Islamic terrorism. I'm not going to have it in this country. I'm not going to let what happened to France and other places happen here. And it's already largely, you know — we have tens — we have hundreds of thousands of people that have been allowed into our country that should not be here. They shouldn't be here. We have people allowed into our country with no documentation whatsoever. They have no documentation and they were allowed under the previous administrations, they were allowed into our country. It's a big mistake.
ME: Okay. I think it's obvious I've kept you up past your bedtime. I want to take the time to thank you for this fascinating interview. I really, really wish I could. As you know, Mr. President, I believe you are in the end stages of syphilis, and that you've completely lost your pussy-grabbing mind, and you simply have lost control over what spills out of your mouth.
Trump: I don't know why it is, but I've developed that ability, and it's happened over the last, over the last year.
That's it! Thank's for reading everyone! All of our president's answers are direct quotes from his recent interview with the Associated Press. There's a whole lot of crazy there that we didn't get to today. If you want to read the entire interview, CLICK HERE!!
Thanks for stopping by!