I've Been Deader: The Musical!

To borrow an expression from my friends on the wrong side of the pond, I am just chuffed that a few loony individuals took the time to put together a rather wonderful musical based on Fred and Aleta, two characters in "I've Been Deader".  Unfortunately, the theater in which the musical was scheduled to play is concerned that they won't have enough seating to hold everyone who wants to see the show.  That, and the roof apparently fell in.  But England's loss is your gain!  Because Richard Maitland, with an extraordinary amount of help from Tom Andrews, Robert Gracie, B. Lloyd, and others, have agreed to let me post the musical here!

It's rather long, so I'll be posting it in segments, once a week or more. 

Without further Ado (did I mention you can now buy "I've Been Deader" on Amazon.com, both in e-book and paperback?  Yes?  Okay then.).

Richard Maitland

Welcome to the Authonomy Theatre! In celebration of National Zombie Day and publication by Taylor Street Publishing of Splinker's novel -- a near-perfect blend of comedy and horror (as he has so often told us) -- we proudly present:

I'VE BEEN DEADER -- THE MUSICAL!

============================================================================ 

DRUM ROLL. SAFETY CURTAIN RAISED…..


OVERTURE: TO ONE SIDE OF THE APRON OF THE STAGE, A FIVE-PIECE BAND: KEYBOARD PLAYER, DRUMMER, SAXOPHONIST AND TWO GUITARISTS. ALL ARE ZOMBIES IN VARYING STATES OF DECAY.

THE VOCALIST – ZOMBIE DADOO – CALLS THE LEAD-IN:

One – two – three – four!


[Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band] (B. Lloyd)

DADOO:
It was twenty years ago today
Zombie Splinker taught the band to play
We sing songs in the Zombie style
But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile.
So may I introduce to you
Some members of the Living Dead?
The Chorus of the Hungry Brains Club Band!

SIX ZOMBIES SHUFFLE ONTO THE STAGE, IN CLOSE FORMATION, LIKE ‘MADNESS’

CHORUS:
We’re Zombie Splinker’s Hungry Brains Club Band
We hope you will enjoy the show.
We’re Zombie Splinker’s Hungry Brains Club Band
Sit back and watch the life blood flow.
Zombie Splinker’s Hungry, Zombie Splinker’s Hungry
Zombie Splinker’s Hungry Brains Club Band!

It’s wonderful to be here,
It’s certainly a thrill
You’re such a tasty-looking crowd
We’d like to take you home for tea
We’d love to take you home.

DADOO:
I don’t really want to stop the show
But I thought you might like to know
The Narrator’s gonna sing a song
And he wants you all to sing along
He’s gonna tell you all a story
— It’s the Zombie ‘take’ on West Side Gory!
It’s Splinker of the Hungry Brains Club Band! 

 

B.Lloyd

(A piece of scenery from the wings falls over . . . ) 

 

DADOO:

My lords, laydeez and gennelmen, fellow Zombies and Breathers, please give a warm
welcome to tonight’s host and Narrator of the musical extravaganza – Splinker!


ZOMBIE SPLINKER ENTERS. HE IS DRESSED IN RAGGED MOTLEY, AND CARRIES A LARGE RED BOOK WITH “I’VE BEEN DEADER” TOOLED IN GOLD.


[A Wandering Minstrel, I – The Mikado] (B. Lloyd)

SPLINKER:
A wandering Zombie, I
A thing of shred and patches
Of bloody bones and snatches
And dreamy lullaby!
My catalogue is long
Through every passion ranging
And to your humours changing
I tune my supple song! I tune my supple song!

If blood and gutsy sentiment is wanted
I’ve bloody and gutsy ballads cut and dried
For where’er our Zombie banner may be planted
All those beastly Breathers are defied!

DADOO: (shouting) “DEFILED! DEFILED!

SPLINKER:
A wandering Zombie, I
A thing of shreds and patches
Of bloody bones and snatches
And dreamy lullaby!

DADOO:

And what a “dreamy lullaby” Splinker’s written! I refer, of course, to “I’ve Been
Deader” – a near-perfect blend of comedy and horror – and available from Amazon
and downloadable onto your Kindle for a modest sum. Full details on the back of
your programme. “I’ve Been Deader” is a story about… Well, let me explain:

DURING THIS SONG, SPLINKER SETS UP HIS BOOK ON A DAIS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STAGE TO THE BAND, AND SETTLES HIMSELF ON A STOOL. 

A CAT RUNS ACROSS STAGE, HOTLY PURSUED BY STAGEHAND

(from the wings): Psst! Gerroff! Now! No – other side! OTHER SIDE! 

DADOO: (glaring into wings) As I was saying....

[Do-Re-Mi – The Sound of Music] (Richard Maitland)

DADOO:
Let’s start at the very beginning
A very good place to be.
But our beginning’s right at the end
’Cos we’re working back from X Y Zee

CHORUS: We start with Zee

DADOO: Our first little letter just happens to be

CHORUS: Letter Zee.

DADOO: S – T – U – V – W – X – Y — Wait a minute. I’ll make it easier for you.

Z – for Zombies, big or small
O – a Breather’s cry of pain.
M – for Murder – kill them all!
B – a Breather’s lovely brain!
I – a juicy eye tastes good!
E – another squeal of pain.
S – for slash and sup their blood
Which will bring us back to X – Y – Zee – Zee.

DADOO / CHORUS:
Z – for Zombies, cruel and mean
O – for organs in a belly.
M – for mashed-up brains and stuff
B – all blood and bone and jelly.
I – intestines twelve foot long!
E – for ears so stiff and chewy.
S – so sing this Zombie song
Which will eventually drive you screwy!


DADOO:

But writing “I’ve Been Deader” wasn’t easy. Every night, when other Zombies were out biting and killing, Splinker was burning the midnight oil, trying to find the words for his story.

On many nights he went hungry, for the Muse often evaded him. But his friends and fellow Zombies rallied round, and saved him from a fate worse than… No, actually. Being a Zombie is a fate worse than death.


[With a Little Help From My Friends] (B. Lloyd)

SPLINKER:
What did they do when the words wouldn’t come?
Did they stand by and let me dry up?
Lend me your ears and I’ll tell you a tale
And I’ll try not to eat them all up.
No, I got by with a little meat from my friends,
I got high with a little meat from my friends,
I could try with a little meat from my friends.

BREATHER: (from audience) How did you feel when you wrote through the night? Weren’t you hungry being left there all alone?

SPLINKER:
Thanks to their help I was really all right
I had liver and a tasty bone.
Oh, I got by with a little meat from my friends,
I got high with a little meat from my friends,
I could try with a little meat from my friends.

CHORUS: Is it time you were feeding? We’ll bring grub straight to your door.

SPLINKER: Anything that’s still bleeding. I like food dripping with gore.

BERT: Can you believe that’s he’s written a book?
MARY: I knew he had in it him all the time.
SID: What did you see when you had a quick look?
BERT: Dunno – he’d eaten me eyes, the swine ! 

 

CAT RUNS BACK ACROSS STAGE, THEN STOPS IN MIDDLE TO WASH ITS FACE. STAGE HAND WANDERS ON, STOPS, GIVES UP AND GOES BACK INTO WINGS 

 

Richard Maitland

SPLINKER:

Based on two characters from “I’ve Been Deader” – the book “wot I wrote” – our musical extravaganza this evening tells the heart-rending story of love between aZombie and a Breather (a still-living person) in post-apocalyptic England.

This is Romeo and Juliet – with no balcony scene, but much more blood, so those of a nervous disposition are advised to log off the site now. 

  

B.Lloyd

CAT RUBS UP AGAINST SPLINKER’S TROUSER LEG

(whisper from wings) Just nudge her offstage. 

Richard Maitland

 

SPLINKER:

There will be a twenty-minute interval, during which fresh meat – er, refreshments – will be available from The Wig & Podium thread. 

 

(whisper offstage) Here, kitty kitty. Here, kitty kitty – got your favourite Whiskas. 

SPLINKER:

Orders for post-performance Bloody Marys should be placed during the interval, as preparation of such a popular drink can be a lengthy process, usually necessitating a fight between the bar staff and our vampiric rivals for possession of certain essential ingredients. 

SOUND OF FOOD TIN BEING BANGED. CAT PRICKS UP EARS AND WANDERS OFF. 

SPLINKER:

And now, without further ado, let’s get this show on the road!

Cue lights!

Cue music!

And let the massacre – er, the fun, the FUN – begin! 

=======================================================

Stay Tuned For the Next Installment!  

And while you're waiting, why not settle down with a good book?

                                                                  Click me, Baby!

 

Stargate Fanfic?

I don't know a lot about it, but the author of this website is making himself known in influential Internet circles. Check it out. http://www.StargateTheTwins.com/

Celebrate International Zombie Day

In honor of my new(ish) book,"I've Been Deader," today is International Zombie Day. There's a facebook page and everything! https://www.facebook.com/events/458142407538835/ Anyway, it's a great day to post something about zombies, read my book, or just bite someone you love.

I actually look better in real life.  The camera adds ten pounds.

http://tinyurl.com/Shambler

To celebrate this restive occasion, I wrote a little story.  I encourage all you bloggers and floggers and write a little something and mention "I've Been Deader."  So here's my little undead contribution:

 

TUCKS

Charlene hated, hated, HATED her curtains.  Even before everyone went crazy and left her, she couldn’t stand them.  They were gold, with all kinds of circus pictures.  Monkey’s, trapeze artists, clowns, seals balancing balls, smiling elephants…

They were okay during daytime, but at night everything moved.  From the safety of her bed, she’d stare at the horrid things, barely visible but still there.  First, the dancing bear would start moving, then the trapeze artists would start swinging the tiniest bit.  And the smiling clown?  Well, his smile would grow!  That was the creepiest part, thank you very much.   And if she waited long enough – stared long enough, a giant, shadowy gorilla would peek out from behind the things.  That’s when Charlene would shout for her Daddy.  

She knew she was being a baby, but she didn’t care.   Better a baby with Daddy there, then a brave little girl with a giant gorilla in her room!  

Except now Daddy couldn’t come into her room and sit on the bed until she fell asleep.  Daddy had to stay outside with everyone else.  

Charlene knew the trick was not to look.  Shut the eyes and the curtains were just curtains again.  She could even open them for quick looks, as long as she didn’t staring.  Staring always got things moving.  Her circus liked an audience.   ‘But not looking is hard.  It’s scary.  Scary to look and scary not to look.  And maybe dangerous now,’ she thought.

The lights stopped working almost as soon as everyone went crazy and it got dark so early.  She ended up going to bed before bedtime because there wasn’t anything to do anymore.  So she went to bed at baby time.  Even earlier than baby time, really.  Charlene felt safer going to her room when there was still a little light.  Sometimes, if she was really, really quiet, it would be okay.

But not tonight.  The soft clicking started almost as soon as she was under the covers, Pooh Bear safely cradled in her arms.  It came from curtains, naturally.  That soft clicking, scraping sound.  Charlene closed her eyes as tight and pressed her face against Pooh Bear.  It made the clicking and scraping go away, but her face got hot and it was hard to breath, so she stopped doing it.

Besides, soon the clicking and scraping were joined by moaning.  Not loud, but deep.  She could feel it more than hear it at times.  It seemed to come up from the bed but Charlene knew it really came from the curtain.

“From behind the curtain,” she whispered.  “It’s from outside.”  Pooh Bear agreed.  

She sat up in bed and risked a look at the curtains.  No moving animals or circus clowns tonight.  Not yet, anyway.  Maybe they were waiting, or watching to see what happens next.  ‘Maybe it’s their turn to be the audience.’  

She waited for minutes and minutes and minutes.  Forever.  But the scraping and the clicking and the moaning never went away.  “I’m going to go sleep in the television room.”  There were windows there of course.  But no scary curtains, and maybe no noises.  ‘I can pretend to watch TV until I fall asleep.’  Quiet as she could ever be, Charlene slipped out of her covers.  Her door was close to her bed and she was through it in a second.  She didn’t even have to look at the curtains.  Down the dark hall and she was on the stairs.  Downstairs could be scary at night, especially now.  But at least there would be no moaning.  Charlene was halfway down the stairs when she remembered.

‘Pooh Bear!’  Without thinking she turned and quietly ran back to her room, her bare feet silent on the carpet.   Pooh was still there.  ‘Of course he’s there, silly.  He isn’t real.’   Charlene wasn’t a baby.  She knew Pooh was just a stuffed animal.  But she wasn’t old enough to really know that.  

Two quick steps and she was at the bed, Pooh in hand.  She turned back to the door and then Pooh, that silly old bear, swung into her Little Mermaid night lamp.  Arial teetered on the small end dresser and, when she was sure the world was watching, fell to the floor, making a soft noise, loud as thunder.

The moaning stopped.

The clicking stopped.

All quiet.  For one long, forever pause.  Nothing.

Then louder.  Not clicking now.  Rapping.  Banging.  Like the sound a small bird might make if  it flew into a closed window.

Charlene’s feet were two stones now.  She wasn’t going anywhere.  A larger thud.  Then the sound of breaking glass.   Night air pushed the curtains out and Charlene swore she could see the clowns and the seals and the dancing bears all run away.  More sounds of breaking glass, and of course the moaning.  Much louder now.

Something on the other side pulled at one of the curtains.  The metal rings holding it to the rod resisted for a few seconds and then gave up their ghosts with a series of popping, ripping sounds.  Charlene watched the curtain fall to the floor and moonlight – and something else, spilled into the room, making her pee herself.  She dropped poor Pooh Bear and closed her eyes.  Closed them forever.

“Hi Daddy.”

                                                                               THE END

But the undead fun doesn't have to end for you.  Shell out a buck and download  "I've Been Deader" today.  You can even see what's going on "Inside My Shorts" if you simply can't get enough me.

Thanks for reading!

Spooky Spam

Politics

At a time when I should be talking about the new release of "I've Been Deader," the fact that it is number six in horror on the Amazon Free In Kindle Store, even as I type, and the pending release date for the prequel, "Take A Breather," I have for some reason decided to talk about politics.

Specifically, I want to discuss the Obama Administration's failure to form an adequate contingency plan for a zombie apocalypse.

                                                            Is nothing safe??

We've wasted billions and billions and -- well, you get the idea -- saving the auto industry, making sure people have health care, and access to Mr. Obama's alleged birth certificate (I'm not saying he wasn't born, but I'm not saying he was either); but not one dime to explore the possibility of surviving a zombie apocalypse. 

                                     "Obama ignores us at his peril!"

Fortunately, I have spent several minutes designing a response strategy to an undead immigration problem.  It consists of three simple steps:

1.  Put the in-laws on the ground floor.   This won't help, but it can't hurt.
2.  Stock up on batteries, canned goods, and tennis balls.  I have it on good authority that zombies love       to chase tennis balls.
3.  Read "I've Been Deader."  It contains no information of value and will help you kill time if not zombies.

Bite Me Here