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Keep your eyes open for my upcoming book "144k: The first 144,000 Fun-Filled Minutes of Trump." (Title a work in progress and copyrighted, patent pending; reuse of this title or anything contained herein may result in tiny twinges of guilt.)
Day 89!: Donald still has not released his tax returns. Sean Spicer addressed this issue at his last press conference. Here at SplinkerNewsMax, our crack team of investigators are working tirelessly to decipher Mr. Spicer's comments, which seem to be a combination of pig latin and Johnny Walker Black.
Trump may think no one cares, but I bet there are quite a few Republican congresspeople who are running for re-election next year that do. Thanks to Trump, their town halls have become little more than Jerry Springer highlights.
YOUR SCANDAL CHEAT SHEET!
|"She's an 8, but I'm still not sure I'd rent to her." - D.T.|
No. Not the scandal. I'm talking about all the real exciting stuff - the political viagra that has kept us political junkies so hard, that we've had to seek medical attention more than 4 times a day lately.
Here at SplinkerNewsMax, we realize it can be difficult and tiring to keep track of all the scandals that follow the Trump administration with the tenacity of Sean Spicer's embrace of the phrase "what I find interesting..." So, here's a quick scandal cheat sheet for our readers. We suggest you print this out and keep it on your person at all times. It may be your first and best line of defense against Uncle Ralph's next ambush rant. So here you go!
DONALD TRUMP: Job: President.
Other Interests: Pussygate, demeaning Megan Kelly, Russian collusion, Ivanka, family values.
Recent Failures: Healthcare, travel bans, defeating ISIS, labeling China a currency manipulator, vetting his National Security Adviser, Yemen, vetting his campaign manager, vetting his other campaign manager, vetting his son-in-law, vetting his daughter, vetting his sons, vetting his attorney general, vetting just about anything, getting Mexico to pay for a wall, getting us to pay for a wall, building the promised wall, turning over all his business to his children, putting assets into a blind trust, releasing his tax returns, working every day, never leaving the White House, giving up golf, staying out of Syria, not deporting law abiding, undocumented mothers and children, finding a press secretary who can speak English, being someone who can speak English, draining the swamp, making us sick of winning.
Recent Accomplishments: Allowing states to withhold federal funding from Planned Parenthood, nominating Gorsuch, doubling the income stream for Mar-a-Largo, getting a few dozen trademarks green-lighted in China (as compensation for raping America?), getting his golf course in Dubai green-lighted (as compensation for the botched Yemen raid?), turning Melania’s bedroom into a “man cave,” bombing Assad (resulting in U.S. troops forced to abandon their position in Northern Syria and engaging in an hours long firefight with ISIS that killed 3 rebel allies), working with China to pressure N. Korea, avoiding nuclear war (so far).
1. Paid foreign agent for Turkey.
2. Spoke with Russia’s ambassador about lifting sanctions before Trump was president.
3. Failed to mention that he was paid quite a bit of money for speaking at Russian dinners.
4. Currently seeking immunity in exchange for testimony.
|Hey look. An email scandal!|
Rex Tillerson: Secretary of State
1. While CEO of Exxon, Rex used a fake email name whenever he wanted to discuss climate change. Why? It was a lame attempt to withhold documents from the NY Attorney General's investigation into whether Exxon lied to investors and the public about its understanding of climate change. (Hey, look. An email scandal!)
Steve Mnuchin: Treasury Sec. (Formerly Goldman Sachs)
1. A.k.a, “the Foreclosure King,” named for his ruthless banking practices as head of “OneWestBank,”
Mr. Mnuchin lied in writing to the Senate Finance committee. That's a scandal in itself.
2. OneWest signed hundreds of affidavits a week, lying under oath in each one, that they had reviewed and verified all necessary records in order to foreclose on a property. OneWest’s vice president has already testified that 1 in 8 employees were told to engage in this illegal practice. But Mnuchin told the Senate, in writing, that his bank never engaged in this illegal practice.
3. The morning of his confirmation hearing, we learned that Mnuchin failed to disclose, as required and after being asked, $100 million of his assets. He also forgot to mention his role as a director of an investment fund located in a tax haven (Cayman Islands), to help hedge fund managers. (A little different from Trump’s campaign promise to go after hedge funds).
4. The small stuff: Trump once sued him (Dune Capital) to get extended terms to pay off a loan. Mnuchin profited from the Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme.
1. Lied in his confirmation hearing regarding meetings he had with Russian Ambassador during the Trump campaign. Forced to recuse himself from all investigations regarding Russia, Trump and the collusion between the two.
2. 1986, Jeff became the first guy in 50 years not to be confirmed as a federal judge, but only because of his racist actions, comments and motivations. Ted Kennedy stated that it was "inconceivable … that a person of this attitude is qualified to be a US attorney, let alone a United States federal judge." (Fun Fact: Jeff used to call a black assistant U.S. attorney “boy.” But I’m sure he’s a changed man now).
3. As AG, Sessions fired 46 Attorney General Preet Bharara - who Trump had previously begged to stay on during his administration. But then Trump realized that Preet’s jurisdiction included Trump Tower, and a bunch of banks with interesting ties to Russian and Trump money. And then there is the investigation into Fox News making illegal payments to settle sexual harassment suits against Roger Ailes. A grand jury was already convened when Jeff fired Preet. Trump has brokered settlements between Ailes and women before, and has openly bragged about it. Also, the guy that looks like he is going to get Preet’s job is the Roger Ailes’ former attorney.
Ryan Zinke: Sec. of Interior. Mr. Zinke now controls a fifth of the land in the U.S. In the past, he’s been firmly against giving federal lands to the states, but he did a 180 in January and voted for a law that made it easier to do just that. He disagrees with Trump’s assertion that climate change is a hoax.
1. Rode a horse to work on his first day.
Wilbur Ross: Sec. of Commerce. (Formerly Co-Chairman with Bank of Cyprus.
1. Cyprus bank is one of the top three Russian money laundering banks. All of the following is part of the same scandal:
2. Deutsch Bank is fined 600 million by the DOJ for laundering 10 billion dollars for Putin’s relatives and friends. The Chairman of Deutsche Bank then got a job as the Chairman of the Wilbur's bank in Cyprus. Wilbur is one of the bank's largest shareholders - Another one is Dimitry something, dubbed (“The King of Fertilizer”)
3. Dimitry had to hide money from his wife during divorce proceedings. So, in 2006, he paid Trump 100 million in his daughter’s name for a mansion in Palm Beach. Trump made a nice 60 million on the sale, at a time when Trump was defaulting on real estate loans and claiming that the shitty real estate market constituted an "Act of God" relieving him of his obligations.
4. Wilbur Ross was certainly the guy who hooked Trump up with Dimitry and this particular Russian sale.
5. Now, Dimitry doesn’t do much in America. But he is a major shareholder of the bank of Cypress. And his private plane shadowed Trump's plane on several of his campaign stops.
6. SUMMARY OF SUMMARY: Deutsche bank laundered 10 Billion (that we know of) for Putin, and loaned Trump a lot of money. Then they put the squeeze on Trump when the bill came due. So, Putin’s friends put Trump in a bind, and Putin’s friends gave Trump a way out of the bind. Wilbur, Dimitry's fellow major shareholder, is clearly the connection between the Trump and the Guy Russian knight who dumped 60 million in profit in Trump's lap. And now Wilbur is our secretary of commerce.
Tom Price: Health & Human Services.
1. As a Georgia Congressman, Price brought and/or sold stock in medical companies weeks, sometimes days, before he voted on or put forward legislation that would directly effect the companies he was trading in - insider trading that is prohibited under federal law.
Ben Carson: HUD.
1. He’s, you know, Ben Carson.
2. A bit of plagiarism in his book.
|What? Me worry?|
Elaine Chao: Sec. of Transportation.
1. She’s slated to get between 1 and 5 million from Wells Fargo for work she did. Elaine joined the board of Wells in 2011. That’s when the bank started it’s fun hobby of opening 2 million unauthorized accounts and charging their unsuspecting customers fees associated with the fake accounts. Elaine is all swamp, undrained and unashamed. And why not. I doubt anyone’s going to hold her feet to the fire here.
|This is Steve Mnuchin again, but really, who cares?|
Rick Perry: Dept. of Energy (formerly Dancing With The Stars)
1. As Gov. of Texas, Rick was indicted on two felony counts of abuse of power, when he eliminated funding for the state’s ethics watchdog.
2. In the 2012 debate, when discussing what departments he would eliminate as president, he forgot what the Dept. of Energy was called. Now he runs it. Yay.
3. Used private email to conduct government business.
You know what? I can't do an easy scandal cheat sheet. There's just too much of it. So here's an ultra quick wrap up of the rest of these knuckleheads:
Betsy DeVos, in charge of education, smarter than a post. Demonstrated a complete lack of knowledge about basic federal education law.
David Shulkin, undersecretary of VA, is a long time defender of the VA and now is tasked with fixing what thought didn't need fixing. No real scandal, but don't expect big things to happen at the VA as promised. Not so much his fault as his being put in an impossible situation.
Scott Pruitt: Head of the EPA. Sued by his own state's ACLU. Pruitt routinely sent letters that were written by his energy company donors, and simply signed his name to him, including proposed legislation. The most notable cut and paste were on Devon energy lobbyists, who gave Scott a few hundred thousand in return for his signature. He hid more than 3,000 emails from public FOIA requests - So Hillaryish! Pruitt failed to discuss or provide the emails to the senators at his confirmation hearing. Because, MAGA! We'll take a closer look at this head of EPA's determination to destroy the EPA at a future date, assuming we have one.
That's it! My poor fingers are cramping. I hardly got a chance to talk about anything that is happening today. Like Trump not knowing that the guy in charge of North Korea is not the same guy who was in charge under Clinton. Fun stuff like that.
It's 11:01 am.