Wednesday, April 19, 2017


Welcome to SPLINKERNEWSMAX! SplinkerNewsMax is not owned by any major media corporation, although we are willing to entertain offers. 

Keep your eyes open for my upcoming book "144k: The first 144,000 Fun-Filled Minutes of Trump." (Title a work in progress and copyrighted, patent pending;  reuse of this title or anything contained herein may result in tiny twinges of guilt.)

Day 90!  Trump still has not released his tax returns or Melania.  

Yesterday we learned that someone left their google maps at home.  Trump, the guy who promises that, unlike other administrations, he will not shy away from stealing as much money as possible by using the office of the president to promote his family business, said - oops.  Trump hasn't actually said that, he's just doing it.  What he DID say was that he isn't in the habit of telling his enemies what he's going to do.  
That might explain why on those rare occasions that he does tell us what he plans to do (yes, we are the enemy), he does such a terrible job at it.  

It turns out that our 17th century "Armada" Trump told us was heading toward N. Korea, wasn't.  That's pretty strange.  Fortunately, N.Korea is pretty stable and not a nuclear hot spot or anything.  

Then Sean Spicer trotted out and said the same thing.  The powerful and prudent thing to do was to put the carrier battle group off the Korean peninsula.  But it still wasn't going there.  That's really strange. 

Then Trump's NATIONAL SECURITY ADIVSOR, H.R. McMaster, came out and said that the battle group was heading to N.Korea. Finally, someone asked him, they said "Hey, H.R., why is the White House telling us this, when Trump is always saying "I don't telegraph anything to anyone"?
H.R. explained that, because the carrier group had cancelled a scheduled naval exercise and was changing course, they felt it was "prudent" to let us know there was a change of plans.

But that's a lie.  Or, as they say in Washington, a fucking big miscommunication. There was no change of plans, the carrier group never changed course, and it was in fact engaging in the very naval exercise that it was scheduled to, with Australia.  

There's a simple explanation for this:  We're fucked.  We made a major boo boo at a time when we were inching closer to a nuclear war. We can not rely on the "grown ups" in the room, and we're fucked.

We were clearly trying to send N. Korea a message.  We clearly fucked it up.  Unless the message was "you can't trust a word we say."

Yesterday we learned that insanity, like shit, flows downhill.

1. Forgot that he's supposed to put his hand over his heart during the National Anthem.  Fortunately, an illegal alien came to his rescue. 

2. Remembered how to sign his name, but forgot the kid who handed him a hat wanted to keep it, not have Trump throw it into the crowd.

3.  You see number two?  Not the pos in the video, the actual number two on this list?  Well, he repeated it about 20 seconds later 

4. He forgot Paul Ryan's name, calling him Ron over and over.  

5. He forgot (or never knew) the "gentleman" from N. Korea's name. 

6. He forgot (or never knew) that the "gentleman" from N. Korea was not leading the country during the Clinton administration.

7. When discussing his chocolate cake and missile strike, he mispronounced the word "Syria," making it sound a lot like "Iraq." 

That basically happened in one week.  Some people might start to get the idea that Trump is not the sharpest tack in a box full of rubber tacks. 

Remember, everything Trump does is motivated by one of two reasons. 
1. Distract us from Russia.
2. Amass as much wealth as possible by using the office of the presidency to                   promote his businesses.

Let's focus on Number two (again...)
If you're cynical, or paying attention, you might question several things that we've been allowed to see in the last month or two.  

There was the Yemen raid where we tried to kill or capture a terrorist who was a thorn in the side of the UAE, and two weeks later the UAE approved Donald's golf resort.  There was Ivanka feeding China's leader beautiful chocolate cake on the same day China approved three trademarks for her company.   And yesterday, there was Trump's congratulatory phone call to Erdogan for stealing an election and making himself the newest authoritarian, entitling him to 12 years of purging his enemies, stealing his country's wealth, and a 20% discount to a Mar-a-largo membership.

The election, in which Erdogan won by about 1%, took place after the president destroyed the media there, changed the rules at the ballot box (on the day of voting), and did pretty much everything else dictators do when they need to crush democracy.  These issues were not discussed during Trump's phone call. 

The question we always have to ask, as long as Trump is president and continues to run his family business, is: Is Trump working for us, or is he working for trump.

SPOILER ALERT:  It's not us.

But you don't have to believe us here at SplinkerNewsMax.  You can hear it straight from the horse's ass. Back in 2015, when we all still had hope, and Steve Bannon was only another Jew hating, nationalist loving squid bent on purifying the country by burning it down, Trump stopped by to chat on Bannon's radio show.  Here's how the interview went:

Bannon:  Tell us something now that will come back to bite you on the ass when you're president.  

Trump:  What do you mean?

Bannon:  You know.  Tell us something that the American people might be able to see if you're ever tried for treason.

Trump: (grinning sheepishly): Well..., I don't -

Bannon:  Oh, come on.  Just one thing.

Trump: (laughing) Oh, you know I can never say no to you, Stevie. 

Bannon: We'll see about that.

Trump: "I have a little conflict of interest 'cause I have a major, major building in Istanbul. It's a tremendously successful job. It's called Trump Towers—two towers, instead of one, not the usual one, it's two."
Trump wasn't lying.  Two towers definitely is not the same as one tower.  Also, there's that admitted conflict thing. 
Erdogan, as prime minister, was there to french kiss Trump at the opening of "The Two Towers." 
So, yeah, small conflict of interest there, if you believe that having a massive financial interest in making sure the guy running Turkey is your personal friend, is a small conflict. 
Oh yeah, Ivanka was there, showing off her pretty little tweets to the world. CLICK IT  
Don't forget, Michael Flynn was/is a paid lobbyist for Turkey and there is evidence that he discussed ways to kidnap and extradite a political enemy of Erdogan.  
Newsweek last December:  "Erdogan ... told associates he believes he must keep pressure on Trump’s business partner there to essentially blackmail the president into extraditing a political enemy."
Conflicts of interest, blackmail, happy dances over the death of democracy, an national security advisor on a foreign government's payroll.  And that's just Turkey, baby.
That's it!  I know there was a special election, news about the golden shower dossier, and about a dozen other hypocritical statements by the president, but I gots to go!
It's 9:30 am.
Good morning!

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