Cover Me!

Coming soon!  The prequel!

Sometimes a zombie apocalypse is the least of your problems.

Hunger Games Opening Weekend: The Sordid Truth

 Who cares? It's bad enough my children and a few others read this book before reading "I've Been Deader," a near perfect blend of horror and comedy. Now I find out two of my disowned kinder went off and saw the movie on opening weekend, while I was pulling another excellent nugget out from  Inside My Shorts: 30 Quickies?

It's one thing to engage in a systematic campaign to crush the debut of  my pre-bestselling novel, I've Been Deader.  That is evil but understandable in today's Obamaworld.  It is quite another do set out to destroy a man's relationship with his family, all for the sake of ego.

                                          "I will only steal children from the top 5%!"

SPOILER ALERT:  I didn't see the movie.

In Suzzane Sommer's book, "The Hunger Games," children are raised in a zombie-free world and every few years are forced to run through the woods shouting "The sky is falling!" over  and over until they develop eating disorders.   Is this really the message you want to give to your children?

By contrast, "I've Been Deader" tells the story of a wonderful little boy named Timmy, who overlooks the negatives of his undead dad and travels thousands of miles through a zombie infested America (think IKEA only ten thousand times bigger and without the meatballs), in order to save him.

"Hunger Games," from what I can gather by rearranging the letters in the title, is about a pron star named Hung Reams, who sets out on a three week journey to defile several lonely housewives and assorted family pets in suburban America. 

                                           "I'll take two.  And put them in a brown paper bag, please."

So the choice is clear.  Do you want to live in an America where your spouses may be zombies, but are safe from being sexually defiled, without pictures? Or do you want to live in a world without America.  A world where children, instead of being sent to school for six blessed hours a day, are set loose in the woods where they can return at any time?  The choice is clear.

Yes, like Obama, Ms. Collins has all the money and, to my knowledge, never posted her official birth certificate.  Yes, she has a movie deal and, as far as I know, is against lowering the price of gas.   And yes, from what I have been led to believe, she has removed most of the pro communist references in her opening chapters. But she's not fooling anyone. 

"Hunger Games" is no near-perfect blend of horror and comedy.   It has no zombies, no zombie weddings, no undead mailmen with small rocks in their heads, no apple pie and no thirteen page deadication to this great country of ours (or yours if you happen to reside on one of the lesser countries).

In the end, there is only one clear choice for the God fearing, honest working, self-deluding people  of the world, no matter where they are.

Choose Freedom.
Choose Change.
Choose Stability. 
Choose American Values
Choose Inclusiveness
Choose Independence
Choose Community

Choose  I've Been Deader.and say NO! to four more sequels.

                                        Because Freedom Isn't Free (and neither am I).

"I've Been Deader" Fights Back!

Suzanne Collins continues to wage a scrupulous campaign against my book, "I've Been Deader."  As you all know, on the very day I released "I've Been Deader" on the general public, I heard about the upcoming release date for the movie "Hunger Games," allegedly based on the book of the same title.

Then I found out my own children, f/k/a 'loved ones,' actually read and enjoyed Hunger Games.  Then yesterday I made a pie graph demonstrating that the unwarranted media attention on Hunger Games has had an adverse effect on I've Been Deader sales.

I said PIE GRAPH!!


Had Hunger Games reamined out of the media spot light on my release weekend, my forensic accountant (and cleaning lady) estimates that "I've Been Deader" would have sold an additional seven copies by now.  Seven!!   That may not mean much to Ms. Hooity Tooity Bestseller, but it means plenty to me.  Like Jesus, I am in need of seven disciples (let's face it, you can't name seven on a good day).    Seven people to go forth and tell the world how much they enjoyed reading "I've Been Deader," and how it made them want to be better people.

It is for this reason that I am giving away three paperback copies of "I've Been Deader."   I want you to spread the Word.  To shamble forth into the world and moan.  Moan about all the undead goodness to be found in these pages.  Moan about the beautiful Aleta, the eaten Aleta.  Moan about Timmy, and George Potts and poor whatshername, who is too terrified to stay outside and too claustrophic to stay in.
Moan about it all, until the world starts throwing money at me just to shut us up.

And so, without further ado, I give you the link.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

I've Been Deader

by Adam Sifre

Giveaway ends March 30, 2012.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win

You're welcome. Nay, verily you are most welcome.

"I've Been Deader" vs. "Hunger Games"

I am beginning to understand how Rick Santorum feels.

(Readers, why hast thou forsaken me?)

It's bad enough that Susan Conners stole her name from the Terminator movies, put Hunger Games on some self-serving "Best Seller" list, and turned the book into a major motion picture event, in a shameless and blatant attempt to overshadow the release of "I've Been Deader,"  but this weekend I found out that two out of three of my children read her books.  (You're my favorite Jesse!).

Then I find out that none of them have even read "I've Been Deader."   If that isn't bad enough, I also learned they didn't even buy it! 

Anyone who pretends to know me, knows that I do all this for the children.  The little bastards are our future after all.  I give and I give and I give, like Jesus, asking only that the world acknowledge that I am the way (to kill a few hours on the commute).    Now I find out my own blood has forsaken I've Been Deader and taken to worshiping false idols.

At this point, I'm sure you can feel the tears welling up behind your eyes, maybe a haunting Sara McLachlan song playing in the dusky corners of your minds.   But please, don't pity me.  I'm not writing this as a devastated parent seeking pity or a shoulder to cry on.   I only want your money.  Not even a lot of it.  Just a few dollars.  In exchange, I'll give you something far more precious.   The gift of laughter (all sales final).

So stop looking into your hearts and start looking into your purses and wallets.   Take this moment to help a damaged parent heal.

Act now and I'll even put you in the deadication.
Buy "I've Been Deader today."  I'll be glad you did.   Zom-Buy

Think Before You Write

I made a little joke on an Amazon discussion board the other day. The result was a literary gang bang. When it was over, I was left crying with the residue of flame reviews and the reek of "outsider" smothering my fragile ego. The main reason for the verbal abuse was that I had the audacity to post the Harper Collins review as a comment. Now, everyone knows that I go out of my way to avoid any type of conflict, which may explain why my stories are all two sentences long. So you can imagine my shock when my innocent comments caused the Amazon regulars to circle the wagons. It didn't take long for the insults to start flying, and by breakfast one even got around to making fun of my hygiene. As it happens, I am not the most pleasant smelling person, but the poster couldn't know that. I'm willing to admit that I may stink as a person, but as a writer? As a writer I smell better than a freshly bathed Dean Koontz (and he smells like warm vanilla on his worst day). Please, don't take my word for it. Go read "I've Been Deader" and judge for yourself. Don't let the bullies win (or I'll hunt you down and kick your ass).

Don't be a sheep. Jump on my bandwagon and find out what's what for yourself. Fight The Power

Come On And Take A Free Ride

Goodreads Book Giveaway

I've Been Deader

by Adam Sifre

Giveaway ends March 30, 2012.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win

I'm Giving it Away, Baby!

Here's your chance to have the I've Been Deader Paperback without selling the family jewels.  

Just click your heals together three times and say GiveMe!   Then click on it.  Then go do whatever the website tells you to do, unless it something really, really bad.

I'm giving away three copies of the book at the end of March.  Please try to remain calm.  Now let's see what Ms. High 'n Mighty Susan Collins does with that twinkie book of hers. 

This is what stands in my way of being number one.  Despite the title, I have it on good authority that there aren't any zombies in it all.  Well, she can enjoy her brief moment in the spotlight.  'Cause "I've Been Deader" is coming after her.  So jump on my bandwagon, enter to win, go to Amazon.com and leave a comment, empty those savings accounts, sell the children, ignore the wife, steal from the husband and make it happen!

Free Falling

 I don’t have a lot of time, so listen up. At 20,000 feet, you have about 90 seconds before you hit the ground. That information was generously provided to me by Sal Giovanni, right before two of his goons threw me out of the plane.

Here’s another meaningless fact. Today was my first time in an airplane.

One last fact: there may be some things worth dying for, but I can now say that Maggie isn’t one of them.

I met her in a Starbucks about two weeks ago. She was blonde, leggy, soft in the right places and knew how to wear the fuck out of a pair of high heel shoes. Red, if you can believe it. Every guy in the place was looking at her; a few of the women as well. At the time, I couldn’t believe my good luck when she spoke to me. I’m not a horror show, but no one is ever going to mistake me for Brad Pitt. I have a bit of a paunch, a bit of a bald spot and a bit of halitosis. I’m the kind of guy that a wife will put up with. So when put her hand on my upper arm and asked:

“Hello, have you ever killed a dog?” I was too excited to worry about the question. 

“Um, hi. What?”

She wore a yellow sundress, smelled like honeysuckle, and her tits worked harder than Viagra. She squeezed my arm and smiled. My blood rushed to exactly where it was supposed to go, and when I came to, we were sitting in the corner of the coffee shop and she was whispering in my ear.  

Now, she could have whispered the first chapter of ‘War and Peace,’ and I could have died a happy man.  But what she said was:

“I need someone to fuck me, steal my husband’s money, and kill a dog. His dog. And I want that someone to be you.”

I probably should have told her to get lost. But then she breathed. Oh my, did she breathe. So instead, I played it cool.

“Um…”

“The thing is,” she whispered, “my husband’s a prick. And I found out he’s not a monogamous prick. She placed her small hand on my thigh, causing me to black out for a bit again. “So I want to return the favor, and then some.” Her hand moved up my leg. Things stirred, let me tell you. It was time to turn on the charm.

“Um…”

She gave my thigh a gentle squeeze. “So, are you in…” 

She kissed my ear. “Or are you out?”

“Uhh..” 

“In?” Another soft squeeze. “Or out?”

Fifteen minutes later we were in her hotel room. Fifteen minutes and 3 seconds later, I was in her mouth. I know, I know, but I don’t have time to be circumspect. Also, there were pictures. She took all kinds of pictures.

“For hubby,” she purred.

I’d be lying if I said it bothered me.

Later, after we scraped ourselves off the sheets and washed up, she took two objects out of her purse and placed them on the nightstand. A keychain and a gun.  You can imagine that my enthusiasm had cooled somewhat at this point.

“Uh…”

“The big key opens the front door. The small key opens the safe in the upstairs study.  It’s a floor safe under the desk.  There should be 40 to 75 thousand dollars in there. You get to keep half. The other half you bring to me. If you’re not back in two hours, I send these pictures to my husband, along with your name and address.”

“But –“

She held up my wallet. “My husband is not the kind of man to let something like this go.

He’s more like the kind of man to have you dig your own hole.”

“Um…”

"If you are back here in two hours, I send the pictures anyway, but without any of your info. I hope that prick does a slow burn for the rest of the day, and then I hope his head explodes when he finds out his money is missing."

“And the gun? I could use the money and I appreciate the, um, the sex. But I don’t think I could shoot anyone.”

She gave a soft laugh and walked over to the bed. She took my head in her hands and pressed it against her moneymaker.

“The gun’s for the dog.”

Oh yeah. The dog. 

"The house will be empty except for his damn dog, Lucky. He loves that mutt more than me and maybe more than money. It’s about 500 years old and farts more than it barks. You’ll be doing Lucky a favor.”  She grabbed my head in both hands and pushed herself against my face. “Shoot the dog, bring me back its collar, and I’ll let you put it on me and fuck me like a dog until one of us passes out.”

I’d be lying if I said the prospect bothered me. 

“Umph…”

The house was a large colonial in a nice neighborhood. Like all suburban neighborhoods in Jersey, it was a complete ghost town between 10:00 am and 2:00 pm. I opened the door and slipped inside. Easy peasy. I didn’t take time to tour the whole place, instead making my way straight up the stairs. Hook a right, go past two doors; open the third. Bingo. The study. 

I walked quickly to the desk, got on my hands and knees with some difficulty (being a bit sore from my morning Maggie workout), and found the keyhole to the floor safe. Like she said, there was a lot of cash. $55,000 and change. I took it all, together with a Movado watch, the museum piece.  I love Movado watches.  If there’s a silver lining to this story, it’s this:  I got to keep the watch. 

Anyway, I took it all.  Easy peasy.   I put everything in a “Kings Supermarket” reusable shopping bag and stood up, ready to get the hell out of Dodge and start spending my hard earned cash.

Lucky. The four footed walking wind bag sat in the doorway, looking at me. It was a German shepherd and Maggie wasn’t lying when she said he was old. His eyes were filmy, his hair was matted, and his breathing sounded like my Grandpa Manuel when he watched the showgirls on Telemundo, Nueva York. Lucky was big enough, but I could tell there was no fight in him.

And he wore a silver studded collar, black.

My mouth went dry at the thought of Maggie on her knees wearing nothing but that collar.

“Hiya boy. Who’s a good doggie?” I cocked the gun and took a few cautious steps toward the door. Lucky sensed my hesitation and immediately took the opportunity to lie down and pass a fart. He looked at me with those watery eyes and yawned.

A few steps closer. Even a rube like me couldn’t miss at this distance. I stood there, gun in hand, eye to eye with the Methuselah of the canine world. Lucky sighed. 

I don’t’ know how long I stood there, but it was for quite some time.   Maybe I was hoping the poor dog would die on its own.   The promise of untold forbidden treasures dangled before me.  All I had to do was shut Lucky. 

But I couldn’t do it. I had fifty-five thousand dollars, a watch and a beautiful woman. Why should I kill a dog? I’d just stop by PetCo on the way to the motel, buy a damn dog collar and have my fun.

“Today’s your lucky day, Lucky.” I put the gun away and stepped over pooch. I was halfway to the stairs when I heard the front door open.

I quietly ran into the first bedroom on the left. The house may have been opulent, but the bedroom was Spartan.  My choices were under the bed, in the closet or in the bathroom. I chose under the bed.

Footsteps up the stairs. A brief pause. A man’s voice. 

“Lucky! How ya doing boy?”

I heard Lucky panting, working up the energy for a half-hearted bark.  Then the soft clicking of doggie paws.

“Where you going, boy”

Dog paws slapped against the wood floor. Then the sound of a good size fart.  Then paws scratching at the bedroom door.

“What’s wrong, boy.”

A door opened.

More paw clicking. Excited whining. 

A long, wet nose peeks under the bed, sniffing and searching for its new friend.

“Lucky? Out of the way boy.” 

I should have -- 

You can download this story and thirty others for free this weekend. Download Here .  If you have a few extra bucks, don'[t be shy about downloading "I've Been Deader" while you there.

Line up for your free Quickie

"Inside My Shorts: 30 Quickies" will be available for a free download on Amazon.com from Friday to Sunday.  I'm doing this because I know how difficult it is for you to part with .99 cents for quality reading.  I wouldn't want you having to choose between the small fries and apple pie at the drive through window.

Don't worry about me.  I still have a pack of Certs and a song in my heart.  http://tinyurl.com/cheapbastards

Why I don't SPAM

As I was writing another excellent chapter of "Take A Breather," the anticipated prequel to "I've Been Deader," a near perfect blend of horror and comedy, it occurred to me that SPAM (Self Promotion and Marketing) might annoy my more sensitive readers.  That's why I am not going to bother anyone to read or back "Take A Breather" http://www.authonomy.com/books/38376/take-a-breather/ or to purchase

"I'VE BEEN DEADER" http://tinyurl.com/Ibedeader

Instead, I'm just going to sit back and let the world discover my genius.

Yours truly
http://tinyurl.com/Splinkeruk

Say What You Mean To Say

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN TO SAY The other day I was enjoying a drink with my vaginally challenged friend, Pete. Pete is a social democrat who has chosen an alternate lifestyle that does not, technically, require the use of sock puppets. We had just come from a bachelor party after deciding to skip the film "Short Stuffed," a fifty four minute masterpiece starring three vertically challenged pizza delivery persons and a pharmaceutically enhanced, gag challenged working person. Anyway, we were dialoging about the eating habits of suburbanly challenged people of color and the idea that food corporations had an ethical duty to behave in a socially responsible manner. Pete suggested that while people would agree, in theory, that prejudice should always be avoided, in reality the concept of exploiting fear about groups of different persons was ingrained in the corporate mindset. The waiter person, a calorie friendly cause of the erectionally challenged, had turned on the television above the bar. On the screen for the visually abled, Sarah Palin was dialoguing with Larry King about her new book.  Pete looked up at the screen. "I hate that fucking bitch.” From Inside My Shorts: 30 Quickies. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Adam+sifre&x=11&y=17

Letters to the Unread

Dear Lady Riding on the Subway: As you know, I am trying to get "I've Been Deader" in stores in time for Halloween 2012. I Couldn't help but notice you on the A-train today, at approximately 9:17 a.m., at the 14th Street station. You were reading "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo." It occurred to me that this book, among other things, was not "I've Been Deader." I'm sure you realize by now that your decision to buy a book other than "I've Been Deader" resulted in you having less money. By squandering your capital in this manner, you are in danger of not having enough money to buy "I've Been Deader," when it finally is made available to the unwashed masses. Additionally, your unintentional endorsement of a non "I've Been Deader" product may have an adverse effect on my myself and my loved ones. So, I must ask, why do you hate me? Until I followed you to work today, we had never met, as far as I can remember. I am therefore at loss and do not understand why you are doing this to me. Moreover, when you took your lunch at 12:45 pm. at the Union Square Diner, I noted, in writing, that you brought the same novel with you. It's now 7:28 p.m., and I am affixing this letter to your door in the hopes that you will have a chance to read same before the morning. In the future, it is my sincerest wish that you refrain from engaging in non-"I've Been Deader" activities and that we can put this whole sorry episode behind us and go on with our respective lives. Thank you. Someone who is not Splinker.

"Inside My Shorts: 30 Quickies" Book Cover

No One's Looking. Take a peek.

"I've Been Deader" Cover

A great review from Lisa Scullard on the amazon.uk.co site:

Being a zombie might be bad. But there's still hope. There's still beautiful sunsets and breathers to hunt. There's still lustful urges and poetry, even though it might potentially consist of scrawling 'Braiiins' lovingly in your intended amour's entrails.

And look on the bright side. There are worse things. Worse people, for a start. Who are still out there, trying to fulfill unnatural urges of their own. Some people you don't want going to hell with you, at the end of the day.

Fred's on a mission. All he has to do to succeed, is to keep a strong head on his shoulders...

I read a review copy of this prior to publishing, and I'm very happy to add it to my Kindle now. If you like horror and comedy, and would chew off your own gumbooted foot rather than choose between the two, step inside. You're in for a treat :)

If you have a moment, come play on Goodreads.com Lust

Zombie Haiku

circa. 2012, found in 32 Magnolia Way, Newark, NJ; Kitchen wall.

Medium: Blue crayon



You taste like chicken,

Raw, rancid, putrid chicken.

finger licking good.

"The Hunger Games" plays dirty pool

As you know, I've Been Deader  is fighting for the number one download spot with Suzanne Collins' "The Hunger Games." 

"I've Been Deader," a near perfect blend of horror and comedy is currently 187,975 on Amazon.com.  So this horse race has a long way to go. 

I said HORSE!

I had assumed that, like Mit and Rick, Ms. Collins would play fair.  More the fool, I.   It turns out that "The Hunger Games" is now going to be a movie, starring Jennifer somebody (apparently the fact that she doesn't diet constitutes a media event).    I mean, come on.  I understand that going up against "I've Been Deader," is a daunting prospect.  But to stoop so low as to turn your book into a movie, in the hope of increasing sales, that's just sad.

Maybe Gary can be a stunt double, for when Nick is feeling a little down.

I really wanted to take the high road here, and simply go head to head based on the strength of our respective novels.  But now I am forced to consider creating a movie tie-page for I've Been Deader.   I need casting ideas for the main characters.   I'm thinking a younger and slightly less scary looking Nick Nolte or Gary Busey for Fred.  Maybe Courtney from "The Bachelor" for Aleta -- I think people would pay good money to see how she handles zombie love. 

If you or anyone with three bucks has an idea for who should star in  "I've Been Deader,"the movie, feel free to post them here.